LOL Suprise! Big Suprise! Fuck My Life!
Make no mistake, this name wasn’t a fluke. The company that came up with the abominations that are LOL dolls are LAUGHING AT YOU. Out loud. And all the way to the bank.
If you don’t have a girl between the ages of three and ten you probably won’t have heard of LOL dolls. If you have never seen these horrific, miniature brides of Chucky, count yourself lucky.
They are dressed as miniature prostitutes, the sort of cheap prossies that stand outside betting shops at chucking out time charging a fiver for a hand job. Therefore, they are fucking great roll models for young children.
Oh and guess what? Some of them spit water. Yes! Some fucking sadist at a toy manufacturer came up with that. And some colour change if you put them in water. Ever put a bowl of cold water in front of an over exited 5 year old?
Want to see one? Here. They aren’t for the faint hearted:
Fucking yikes! And yes, that’s glitter. The dolls that come in the £60 ‘bucket’ have glitter on them, glitter that isn’t stuck on properly so it gets everywhere.
Would you like to know what comes in Satan’s LOL bucket?
It’s not a lot.
And here’s another great surprise that the LOL manufacturers put in to torture parents: some of the stupidly tiny, plastic, fiddly accessories are hidden in bath bombs. So your child can sit in the bath and wait for tiny bits of plastic to get lost in their belly buttons. You will have to fish them out of dirty, toddler water and pretend to be as enthralled as your child as you think, “what the actual fuck is this piece of gold tat?”
Back to the Bucket. Here is a step by step guide to your punishment for buying into the latest craze. You should have insisted on only wooden toys made in Tibet by Monks. This is what you get for not being middle class enough.
The first layer of the bucket contains several plastic balls filled with utter shite. I think they might have been the tiny dolls. Yes, there are tiny ones too. Big sisters and little sisters they are called. There are no parents because no one would admit to having a glitter haired, hoop earring wearing, spitting little ho for a child.
Next layer are the bath bombs.
Now these are fucking IMPOSSIBLE to open. The people at LOL in their infinite wisdom, decided to wrap everything up in fifty layers of shrink wrapped plastic. Do not do what I did and try to open the bath bombs with your teeth. I almost went into diabetic shock and can still taste the thing weeks later.
Now here’s the rub about getting this ‘present’ for my daughter – she HATES baths. Put her in the bath and from the shrieks that emit from her lungs you’d think I was murdering her. So we did the bath bombs in a pan of water instead. I insist you do this too – the shit that comes out of these things are so tiny that they would be lost up a bum crack forever.
There are the (pretty awful) bath bombs and some of the bits of shit you get out of them. To be honest, I’d lost the will to live at this point and the photos were as bleak as my soul.
THE FINAL LAYER
About ten hours into opening (how do the little twats on Youtube do it so quickly?) you will come to the final layer. Now, before you go in for the kill, i’d suggest a weights session and a run round the park worthy of the Rocky montage, because these are the big bastard balls which are wrapped in so many layers, you will need superhuman strength and stamina not to have a breakdown.
Also, each later has a crappy stricker or bit of paper that only the millions of children who have obsessively watched LOL doll openings on YouTube for the past year will understand. God forbid you end up accidentally throwing one away.
Possibly random photos there. I gave up.
Basically, don’t buy it. It’s not worth it. But you already know that, don’t you? You know that you are going to be spending £60 on a few shitty little dolls and some minuscule accessories that will end up living under the sofa for all eternity but you will still buy it to make your darling daughter happy for twenty minutes.
Just don’t have too many nightmares.