First off, I am not going to tell you how much I weigh.

I mean it’s A LOT. I’m not embarrassed by it, but it would give you a false opinion of how much I have to lose.

I am a really, really heavy person. When I was a size 6-8 twig, I still weighed 10 and a half stone. I am only 5 foot 5 inches. I know, how the hell does that work?

I went to the Dr once and she weighed me three times because she couldn’t believe how heavy I was for my small size. Technically, at a size 6 I was two stone overweight. If I had lost those two stone, I would have been dead.

At this point in my life I probably weigh more than my car, but other women of my height and weight are at least 5 dress sizes larger than I am (I am a size 20/22 at the moment).

I won’t talk about my weight. But here is a visual:



Also a disclaimer: I have gained a baby elephant over the past four years mainly because I have eaten enough shit to sink the Titanic, but also because of some horrible medication which  made me balloon from a size 10 at the end of my last pregnancy to a size 18 by the time my daughter was four months old. As if you don’t feel shit enough after having a baby.

I am quite fed up of being a fat person now.

It has it’s good points; I am practically invisible and I can do what I want because fat people are largely ignored, men like me more (it’s the tits) and people assume I am funnier.

I am not going on any sort of specific diet. 

I am doing mainly shakes, because I find making a Slimfast or any of the other diet shakes so much easier than messing around with food. I like food far too much to control portion sizes, so I prefer to cut it out all together, or if I do eat, I eat no carbs.

The alcohol is staying. I like getting pissed and I would be miserable if I didn’t go to the Forester with my friends.

I don’t do exercise. Seriously, I would rather just not eat. I never said I wanted to be healthy – just thin again.

I drink, I smoke and I treat my body like it’s something I found in a gutter and I am okay with that. I will die before you, but God, I will have had a shitload of fun.

I was thin for twelve years and I didn’t exercise. I was just very careful about what I ate because I am an inherently fat person.

I can’t eat like a normal person. I have to eat very little in order to stay slim. As do most slim people who aren’t blessed with fast metabolisms and who don’t go to the gym for hours a day.

I like shit food. I would rather live off three mars bars a day than the equivalent calories in nutrient rich healthy foods.

When I was thin, people would see me eat a huge slice of chocolate cake and say, “Wow! How can you eat like that and stay so slim?”

It was because that huge slice of chocolate cake was all I ate that day.

Never, ever look to me for diet advice because you will die. But do join me in this whatever your choice of cutting calories and/or carbs.



Come the fuck on.

Another disclaimer: I am not promoting eating disorders, so piss off. I am just telling you my opinion on how MY body works. You do your thing, I’ll do mine and we can go for a nice pint after.





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