Have you seen World War Z?
I have. Loads of times. Not just because Brad Pit is utterly, deverstatingly attractive in it, but because I love any film that contains Zombies/ killer mutant virus’s/depopulation/any sort of apocalyptic theme what so ever. Cheery little fucker that I am, a movie scenario like that is my dream life. In the event of the apocalypse, I will be the one running around with a shovel, bashing things over the head and proclaiming it to be the BEST.DAY. EVER.
So, what makes Brad’s character in World War Z (I always call film characters the actors name – I really confuse team mates at the pub quiz), so amazing and pretty much the perfect man?
1. Look at him.
LOOK. AT. HIM.
Look at that face. Rugged, but handsome. He looks like the sort of chap that gets out of the shower and into his jeans and only takes a cursory glance in the mirror to check that his stubble is in check. None of that metro-sexual moisturising, preening and gelling for Brad.
He’s a real Man. You could imagine him chopping wood in the snow and having a glass of whisky to warm up after (in my fantasy we live in a log cabin in Alaska and have no heating so we have to shag to keep warm).
2. His kids jump on him in the morning and he doesn’t moan.
I bet he gets up in the night with them when they are sick. I bet he even changes the puke covered sheets without complaining or getting passive aggressive about having to put a wash on at 3am.
World War Z Brad is an excellent dad. I would like to breed with him.
3. He cooks.
He doesn’t just half heartedly shove a Kinder Egg at his children for breakfast if his wife hast bothered to do it, he makes them all PANCAKES. Fuck me Brad, you are the best.
4. He’s protective
Oh Man, he’s all protective and grrrrr. Could you imagine being in some sort of a crisis with this man? You wouldn’t have to worry about anything. You could just gawp at him in awe while he got you out of sticky situations. Would it be wrong to jump him while the world was ending? Because I don’t think I would be able to stop myself. If I had been the wife, World War Z would have been one long porno.
5. Even in the midst of an apocalypse, he still has time for a beer.
Good boy, Brad. None of the healthy shit for you. This, Jamie Oliver, is what a real man is.
6. You can call him at work and he doesn’t whinge.
So, when he went off to save the world single handedly, Brad gave his wife a phone so he could call her. Right in the middle of a very tense situation where he is trying to keep silent so not to attract the Zombie’s attention, his wife calls him. Probably to ask where he put the teabags or some inane shit.
That phone ringing was basically responsible for the deaths of twenty soldiers, but was Brad angry? Did he call her back and go, “fucks sake woman! I’m at work saving the fucking world! What was so important that you had to call me? Do you know how many men you just got killed? Come on? What is it?”
No. He called her back when the Zombies had finished trying to kill him and didn’t mention it.
There would be no walking on eggshells with Word War Z Brad. He’s a jolly lovely chap.
7. His first thought on waking up and being told he was out for three days was his wife.
Poor Brad, he was distraught when she found out his family had been chucked off the big, safe battle ship.
Brad CARES, unlike most of the husbands/boyfriends I have had who would have already been shagging the female soldier who’d tagged along with him.
8. He saved the world pretty much single handedly and didn’t ask for a thing.
Most men want a medal for taking their kid to the park.
To be fair, after shagging him right there and then on the beach, I would have made him a massive lasagne and put him to bed with a six pack of lager and the remote control.
But something tells me that he’d be up at the crack of dawn baking a cake with the youngest and then preparing me breakfast in bed.
World War Z Brad, you are my perfect man. Call me.