“Oh No, I’m On The Beach and the Paps Are Here!” Said no Z list celeb, ever.

It’s holiday time.

I love the summer because the Daily Fail’s sidebar of shame is chock full of photos of celebs on the beach pretending that they haven’t tipped off a photographer who wants to make fifty quid selling a photo of their cellulite.

I’m not knocking them – they have to stay in the papers somehow. And how better to do that than to have a bikini malfunction in Marbella so that your tits get spread across the internet the next morning?

I love this celebrity summer farce.

Sometimes the photos are amazing: Carefully posed so it looks natural, or so they think. The reality is that we can all tell from the poses that is is a set up and that they probably flew in in the morning and back home the same evening on Easyjet just so they could pretend to be getting papped on a glamorous holiday my friend might be an Easyjet steward who has told me some stories.

Here are some of my favourite photos of the worst offenders


Kerry Katona

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“Where is the best kebab shop Kerry, just point me in the direc…oh, cheers”

Oh Kez my love, I do like you. Me and you would have a splendid time getting fucked off our faces on cider, smoking all the fags and then going for a kebab. We could slag off our exes until the small hours (I fucking hate that Bryan McFadden, so I’d love to help you burn some photos of him on your bbq), but why do you do such daft poses?

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You are both going to be finding sand in your bits for weeks after this pose

Kerry, you need to learn to do the whole ‘posing in the surf’ thing a bit more naturally. It’s all eyes, tits and teeth and it looks so stage school.

Lauren Harries

Only for the strong of stomach and the lazy of eye, these beauties popped up in the papers last week.

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“Come here and give your old granny a kiss”

Look at him. LOOK AT HIM.


The boy is clearly gay. Look at the body language. There is no way these two are shagging or in anyway in a relationship. He looks uncomfortable as hell. It’s the most blatant PR stunt of the summer.

Lauren Goodier

Lauren is undoubtedly the queen of the beach pap shot. There are so many to chose from, but they all look the same due to her posture and the way she always looks like she’s just seen Michelle Keegan looking really fit while she’s having a McDonald’s binge day and crying over her jailbird boyfriend liking other girls photos on Instagram.

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“Fuck’s sake Lauren, watch what your doing. My feet are bloody soaked.”

Ah yes Lauren – the ‘casually pouring a drink while smiling at a friend JUST LOOK AT MY ARSE’ pose. Beautiful.

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This is how I wait for my mate to bring me my pint when I am at the beer garden too.

Gemma Collins

Gemma doesn’t do casual. Ever. She’s always shooting the blue steel look and she always looks like someone you wouldn’t want to make an enemy of.

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“Just getting in the pool, innit. And what about it?”

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“Oooooh, that’s better”

So it’s probably not wise to post this pic of her doing a massive fart on the beach. That’s one way to get the sand out of your vag after posing in the surf for hours.


Daniella Westbrook

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“Stomach in, tits out, stare off into distance, remember not to piss self. Fuck, I’d love some coke right now.”

This summer it’s been like watching a really slow car crash. What is she doing? How much is she getting paid for these photos? Why do her bikinis never seem to fit?

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If Lidl sponsored Baywatch Daniella Westbrook and Lisa Appleton would be the new Pamela and Erika.

Lisa Appleton

You know, she was on Big Brother about a hundred years ago and later turned up on some God-awful, channel 5 benefits porn programme last year.


I actually love her. I don’t know if she is genuinely trying to act like a glamorous wannabe or if she is in fact a comic genius who is taking us all for a ride and counting the cash.

Her beach photos are amazing because she always fucks up and half the time she’s on a freezing, sewage infested beach in Blackpool rather than the Spanish coast.

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Yes, this is how I choose to exercise too. On a shit beach, freezing my tits off in a bikini three sizes too small.

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Bit of yoga in the surf, or having a piss like a dog?

Her fails are THE BEST

Lisa Appleton, you are amazing. Keep up the good work, but for God’s sake, keep away from the sewage pipes.


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