For The Love Of God, Will Someone Go Out With Me? Anyone?

“That’s a nice dress you are wearing” Said the attractive actor

“Thanks” I replied, “Do you know what it’s made out of? Girlfriend material”

This is why I have no luck with men.

I get drunk and say stupid lines that I have stolen from cheerleader films.

I spent most of the day yesterday working, which included writing dating profiles for people who can’t be bothered to write them themselves. They fill in a questionnaire and I have to make up a profile from it. I then have to have initial conversations with matches pretending to be that person until a first date is set up, which is immoral as fuck, but until I write the sitcom of the century or sell out the Apollo, I need the cash.

It’s as dull and poorly paid as it sounds but I have set up lots of dates from them, which boils my piss because I can’t get a date for myself.

Not that I have ever tried online dating – my dating gene pool consists solely of the blokes who frequent two pubs in Northfields – but I was thinking of giving it a go.

The stupid thing is, that while I spend all day writing profiles for other people, I can’t seem to write one for myself. You have to lie a bit on dating profiles. Okay, you have to lie quite a lot so no one actually realises you are a bit unhinged and just want to meet someone you can drink lager in your pants with while watching 9/11 stuff on Youtube at 3am.

 How do you think this would go down as a dating profile?

“Can we just get drunk, have a laugh, shag lots and watch daft stuff on the internet please? You don’t have to marry me, just the odd Indian takeaway would be great. Don’t be a cunt and I will be really nice to you. If I really like you, I’ll cook you a shepherd’s pie.

You will be under obligation to find me fucking hilarious at all times and you will be head of getting up and going to the bar because I am lazy as. Oh, and on that note if you are into fitness, then you’d best move on. The last time I ran was to get to the chip shop before they stopped frying.

My hobbies include drinking until I fall over, watching conspiracy theories and puss porn on YouTube, daydreaming about the Zombie apocalypse (I LOVE Zombie shit) and making a dick out of myself on Facebook. I have two awful, awful children, but don’t worry, you will never have to meet them, I mostly keep them locked under the stairs.”

I might try it to see if I have any luck.






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