Tips On Dating Old Ladies

Well, you know, women over the age of 35.

I had a friend call me in tears because the guy she met on Tinder ran screaming for his life when he finally got her to take her clothes off.

Okay, so she might have been exaggerating the screaming part but he did make his excuses and leave when they were bang in between the part when she takes her dress off and he gets his penis out.


She said the look on his face said it all: “Oh my God, your body is disgusting”. She was mortified. She cried and ordered a pizza and told all her Facebook friends what a cunt he was.

You see the thing about my friend is that she is 39 years old.

She has had three children. She gained four stone with each pregnancy and then lost it all again. Then she got fat, then thin, then fat, then thin. She likes to go to the pub and eat pizza and couldn’t give a crap about exercise (this may be why we are great friends), which means that her naked body looks like the body most post 35 year old women who have had children and like a bit of a party.

She’s got stretch marks from those bastard children and the weight gain and loss, a saggy tummy from the cesarian overhang and wobbly thighs because she prefers sitting on her arse in the pub eating chips to moving around.

I know there are lots of women who like to go to the gym, run and keep fit and healthy – good for you. I am not one of you and neither is my friend, so we don’t look all toned and fit. And that’s okay. While you are at the gym, we are at the pub and we are fine with that, and for the most part, the bodies that come with it.

Party fat is real. It’s like puppy fat but for middle aged people who like a drink.

And who really cares? Well, apparently men do when they are trying to get a shag. I don’t know what he expected to find when he took her clothes off, but seriously, what do men expect a 39 year old salad dodger to look like? He said he liked her because she knew how to have fun, he liked the fact that she didn’t shy away from the all you can eat Chinese buffet on their first date and that she could drink him under the table and he loved that she is funny as hell and a lovely person. She’d told him that she’d had three children, so after all that, why was he appalled by stretch marks and a wobbly arse?

Do you know what the biggest joke of all is?

He was 45 with a beer belly and no hair.

Hardly Justin Timberlake himself, but she didn’t care because he was (she thought) a nice chap. It goes both ways, not many people are perfect when they are pushing middle age.

Good luck to him anyway, finding someone who will go out with him who hasn’t got stretch marks or a bit of party fat. I doubt there are many fit, toned 25 year olds clamouring to rip a 45 year old accountants clothes off.

So, the moral of the  story is, most women over 35 are a bit wobbly and have stretch marks. So if you don’t like it, piss off and we’ll go to the pub and have fun without you.





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