Tips For New Bloggers From A Total BlogCunt

 “Yeah, I might become a blogger. I’ll sit on my arse all day writing about my kids and get rich that way”.

That was all of us, right? No? Oh, stop it you lying twat. Of course it was. You read some other blogs (well, you scanned Hurrah for Gin and some woman who posts a lot on Facebook about drinking too much wine) and thought they were shit and that you could do better.

Your kids were cuter.

You were funnier.

You could design a better website with your eyes closed.

You could do grammar and spellings and shit.

You have interesting things to talk about.

You are not JUST a mum or dad like the rest. You like interiors and shit too.

So one day you opened a WordPress account and got started. You probably thought you could be a Mummy blogger, or, the first ever Daddy blogger! Because no other bloke would ever think of doing that!

Only they did, didn’t they? Bastards.

It’s only once you start blogging that you realise how many other bloggers there actually are out there. You realise because as soon as you start putting yourself out there by joining link ups and Facebook groups, hundreds of the buggers automatically follow you on social media in the hope that you will follow them back. Then they all stealthily unfollow you a few days later – this is your first inkling that blogging is a dog eat dog world full of pricks. But you plod along, writing about you kids or just any old shit that comes into your head.

Here come the PR Companies! (Hint: It starts with a free, tiny, badly printed, dry, shit tasting cake from Bakerdays which you will say is AMAZING incase they want to send you more).

You get an email from a company asking you to write a sponsored post for £50. It’s about bathroom cleaner. You know fuck all about bathroom cleaner, but hey, £50! So you make up a post about how your toddler has shit all over the bathroom tiles and how this spray, which you’ve never seen or heard of, is the bollocks at cleaning it up.

Then you do the maths:

If I do three of these sponsored posts a day, I am going to be quids in! Hurray, this blogging is going to pay off!

But there are no more emails.

No matter how many times you hit refresh, no matter how many google forms asking for bloggers you fill in on Facebook bloggers groups, no one wants to give you anymore work. You have registered this blog as a business and everything! (I haven’t by the way. This blog isn’t a business. It’s where I dump all the shit I write that will never be published outside the Huffington Post. I have made £250 in sponsored posts in 16 months. I doubt the taxman will be losing any sleep over me).

Bugger,” you think, as you look at all the Instagram photos of the big bloggers with their shite blogs and whiny children getting free holidays, “if only I had thought of standing in front of brightly coloured walls wearing Topshop five years ago, that could’ve been me“.

Then you discover the dreaded DA (domain authority, or “Google, hun” as you will be told when ask about it on the blogger’s groups). Hooray! Now you can get caught up on another number other than your dismal stats!

Don’t forget to sign up for Mumsnet bloggers, Birtmums, Tots 100 etc. You’ll soon see its all the same cunts who get featured on Mumsnet or get Mumsnet blog of the day (I am one of those cunts! Yay for me!).

Then there is that parent blogger chart thing, so you can pretend you are a popstar each week as you wait to see how your blog has scored. One week you will be #978 the next you will be #50. Fuck knows how it works, I’ve never managed to work it out. It’s just fun when you get ahead of that other blogger you can’t stand. You know, the one with the obnoxiuos toddler who uses the word ‘hubby’ too much (haha, I made her up, but how many of the bloggers reading this thought, “shit man, is that me?”)

It really, really helps if you have a rich husband to bankroll you.

Especially if you want to write about interiors or fashion. Those made.com lampshades and Zara hauls aren’t going to buy themselves, are they?

Twitter is your friend.

Don’t forget to churn out the same old tweets with links to old blog posts incessantly. People LOVE that. Honestly, they do. Nothing fills my heart with joy more than seeing the same blog post tweeted out fifteen times a day. I will definitely read it. Oh yes.

There you go, I hope all that helped.

I am a bitter old blog cunt. I remember the days when I used to do my travel blog (pre Instagram, fuck, I missed a trick there), where blogging wasn’t the world it is now of posting adverts for free and everyone and her dog becoming a social media manager.

Oh and biggest, cuntiest tip of them all?

Don’t pay other bloggers for blogging courses. If you are a shit, boring writer with no appeal what so ever, shelling out £300 won’t change that.

Yours,

A complete wanker.

Please share and link back to me (I need my DA to go up, even though I am not sure why. My self esteem is boosted by numbers).

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Comments »

  1. Brilliant as always. I am completely useless when it comes to links, admin stuff and how to grow your blog. I write cause I like it and I am sure nobody will pay me for it so I just got a blog 😂😂😂job done. Keeps me from going insane.
    I stumbled upon so many blogs writing about that shit bathroom magical washing liquid and I don’t know why they got so many followers and so on. Lying bastards. Just like those ever boring mums writing about how their child is so well behaved and an angel and wow, teaching me how to educate mine 🙄🙄🙄

    Like

  2. Wow that’s a lot of swearing in one place lol. Great post hun. I think you’re a great writer but I’m one of those dick working blogger social media types so maybe I don’t count lol. If I could I’d employ you every day xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m gonna just say it because I feel like you shall not judge me – most bloggers are boring AS FUCK. They ain’t even funny. I do not understand why I would read a 3 paragraph long post about make up or whatever if it isn’t even a bit funny. Like shit man throw me a bone. It seems like engaging with other blogs is a total must to get literally any traffic but most of them are just boring as bollocks so I cannot hack it.
    Also I too wished I had committed to Instagram before to algorithim went to complete shite.

    Liked by 2 people

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