Yes, this is about me. I have actually been dumped more times in my life than I have dumped people, but I have had some great reasons in the past for getting rid of boyfriends.
I’ve also had some shockers of ‘relationships’ over the years. Seriously, I have dated some corkers, from the man who was deciding if he was gay or not (he was, cheers love) to one who to decided to stalk me and put a jiffy bag full of diarrhoea through my letter box when I called things off.
So here is a list of reasons why I have dumped men.
I swear to God, I am not high maintenance – I am just incredibly unlucky with men.
They are not all about different men (there are loads of reasons listed but I promise, I haven’t been around the block that many times), so some of the reasons are multiple things that put me off one person. One man has racked up six of these reasons. Jesus, what was I thinking?
- He tried to move into my house one piece of clothing at a time. By the time I’d realised what was happening, he’d taken over a whole wardrobe.
- He fucked my best friend and then asked me if I minded. Hmm. Should probably has asked me that before you shagged her. It’s lucky that it was a new relationship and I hadn’t slept with him yet, because he gave her chlamydia. I forgave her: chlamydia is shitty enough karma and I didn’t like him very much anyway.
- He preferred porn to sex.
- He asked me to marry him after two weeks. I asked him what my middle name was. He didn’t know. But he knew he wanted to marry me.
- He called his (lovely) mum a cunt when she burnt the bacon.
- He never showered. Like never. Just sprayed himself with lynx Africa every half an hour.
- He didn’t eat vegetables. Or fruit. Or anything that wasn’t meat. He was like an overgrown, fussy five year old. I like cooking (and people who eat), so we were never going to work out.
- He never left his house apart from to to go work. So he had that pale, spotty, sick look of a vampire.
- He was nasty to and about everyone. Even his so called friends.
- He had an extreme porn habit. As in he could tell you all the current porn stars and facts about them. He even spoke to them on twitter. That and all the stories about strippers made him really unappealing.
- He stalked me.
- He shat his pants in my car and then expected me to have sex with him afterwards.
- He kept poking and prodding me. Like, he would just walk up to me and start poking my boob. The actual fuck?
- He kissed a photo of his mother every night and then tucked it under his pillow to go to sleep.
- He stood me up five times. FIVE. Prick.
- I found out after three months that he had four children under the age of ten. He didn’t see them and called them ‘parasites’. Nice guy.
- He said my stretch marks looked weird.
- He asked me to put him before my child.
- He kept taking about his ex who he broke up with a decade earlier. On and bloody on. I know more about that woman than the nurse who does her smear tests.
- He never once took me out. We just sat in his flat even when I said, “don’t worry, I’ll pay”.
- He was always broke – because he was spending all his money on prostitutes.
- He told me he was a Doctor. He worked at Costa. Nothing wrong with working at Costa – just don’t bloody lie to me.
- He told me that his mother used to skin and cook rabbits – while my pet rabbit was on his lap.
- He heckled me at a stand up gig. Really horribly. So I dumped him while I was on stage. It’s still the biggest laugh I ever had and I made £300 in tips.
- He told me that he fantasised about being wanked off by kermit the frog.
I’m getting too old for this shit now, so if anyone knows a nice, normal man, could you send him my way please?