I’m Sorry Slimming World. I’m Cheating On You With Atkins And He’s Better Than You

Slimming World Weigh in, Week One.

I stood on the electronic scales. Shoes off. Coat off. Jumper off. I was left wearing only my underwear and the lightest of t-shirts and leggings. If I wasn’t in public, I would have got completely naked to squeeze out every last ounce of weight that I could.

“Wow!” Said the over enthusiastic lady as she filled in my book, “13 pounds! Amazing!”

YES! Goodbye, fatty!

Thank-you…um…not Sliming World actually. Oops.

“So, what recipes have you used this week?” The group leader asked me with a broad smile. In front of everyone who were all staring at me like I had found the Holy Grail of Slimming World.

“Um…well…you know, all the usuals” I stammered while looking at my feet.

I am not a very good liar.

To be a good liar you have to have at least an inkling of what to say when asked about the lie. I should have looked up some Slimming World recipes. I should have looked in the booklet which came with the chart to fill in with my weekly losses. But I am an idiot, and a lazy idiot at that, so I didn’t.

I go to Slimming World to get weighed despite having never done the diet. I am an Atkins fan.

I am no good at weighing myself at home.

Left to my own devices I would weigh myself twenty times a day, swinging from frustration to elation as my weight naturally fluctuates throughout the day.

I make stupid bargains to myself, like “if I weigh something and six pounds at five pm, I can order a curry”, which I know is bloody stupid.

I got kicked out of Weight Watchers for being a lying cow.

A few years ago, I threw away the bathroom scales and started going to Weight Watchers each week so they could weigh me instead. You won’t be surprised to hear that I knew precisly fuck all ¬†about Weight Watchers either, but while going to the meetings, I became friends with a lovely woman who was morbidly obese and who had been going to Weight Watchers for a year without success.

As we became friends, she became interested in the Atkins/low carb way I eat if I am being healthy. So she gave it a try, and lost a stone in the first week.

When we went to the next Weight Watchers meeting, my cover was blown as she gleefully told everyone what she had done to finally start shifting the weight, letting slip that that is how I eat at the same time and that I had egged her on to give it a go.

I  left shame faced though the side door of the church hall while people tutted and put bets on how long it would be before I died of a heart attack.

I am keeping my mouth shut this time at Slimming World but after all, I’m paying them for the privilege, so why does it matter to them?

I just need to get better at pretending to be doing the diet, but because I know that low carb really works for me, I feel like I am gaining weight just reading about pasta, rice and potatoes.

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