So, this blog is officially a pile of shit. I don’t even know why I bother anymore, but the longer it goes on, the more fun I am having at being an absolutely awful blogger.
No one is falling over themselves to give me awards, other bloggers don’t lick my arse, I get quite a few nasty emails, no PR companies want to work with me, no one wants to give me any free shit and my stats are fucking abysmal.
I know, I know – how do I do it?
Okay, I will let you in on all my secrets to being a massive blogging failure. I was thinking of creating a course, charging you £39.99 and doing loads of boring Facebook live chats about it, but I am not a massive wanker, so here it is for free – The Notaneffingfairytale Guide To Being A Shit Blogger.
These hints and tips have really helped me to shaft my freelance writing career up the arse and if you want to be a blogging failure like me, make sure to take note.
- Publish posts infrequently while trying to piss off as many people as possible.
- Alienate your core audience from time to time. I occasionally like to slag off parents, parenting styles, bloggers and comedians.
- Swear a lot. People seem to hate the word ‘cunt’ so use it freely and frivolously showing no concern for anyones feelings.
- Don’t give too much of a shit about spelling, grammar or punctuation. Too much attention to detail makes it look like you give a toss and you don’t want to be looking too professional.
- Have a really shit looking website. Who cares what it looks like, no one but you and your batshit Aunt Sylvia look at it anyway.
- Don’t bother with social media sharing buttons. Or if you do, make them really hard to find.
- Don’t bother with link ups. All that will happen is that you will get generic comments from other bloggers who have scanned your link post for key words so they can comment “cute” or, “great post!”
- Chose any old photos at random from Google. Don’t bother taking them yourself. No one cares about what your kids look like anyway and you are actually a shit photographer.
- Have a Twitter account for your blog but remember to only use it to argue with your boyfriend.
- Forget to engage with other bloggers on Twitter for weeks on end.
- Same as above stands with Facebook.
- Actually, with Facebook, it’s best to pay to promote your page when you first start it. It’s a guaranteed way to get 5,000 Indian people who may or may not be real following you. Then just post a load of shit most days, the more inflammatory the better.
- If you see some shit in the daily mail about a celebrity, post it to your page telling the celebrity to fuck off and die. It’s fun and you are bound to piss a few people off.
- It helps if you are a borderline alcoholic and can write drunk with one eye open because the screen is too bright and you feel a bit sick. In fact, some of my most popular posts have been written when I was off my face and I can’t remember writing them.
- Don’t bother with blogging conferences. I went to one once and they didn’t wheel out the free booze until gone 6. Bastards.
- Write any old shit you fancy. Don’t bother having a niche, they are for professionals and losers.
- Don’t forget to bitch and moan about bloggers who are more successful than you even though their writing is a pile of shit and even the people who brown nose them think so too.
- SEO, DA, PA my arse. Who cares?
- Oh and all that, “your post shared with Linkis on Twitter! You need to stop that!” What? Do I? Oh, hang on I don’t give a shit. Stop telling me crap like that. I don’t care and I’m not even sure what you are talking about.
I think that’s it. If I think of anything else I will write another shitty, filler post like this for your reading pleasure.