Oh my God, I’ve got fat.
And when I say fat, I don’t mean I am one of those women who is lamenting over the tiniest hint of a muffin top. I mean the kind of fat where you can’t tell if I am a human or a baked potato.
I really don’t know how it happened.
Okay, that’s a fucking lie, of course I know how it happened. It was a combination of horrific side effects of some awful medication and a love of Greggs sausage rolls that did it.
I moan about being fat, but I don’t actually mind it. In fact, after 12 years of hovering between a size 6-8, being fat (approximatly a size billion) has been quite a refreshing change. Honestly, it’s mostly been fun.
Men seem to like me more
I am not joking, the amount of male attention I have had since packing on the stones has left me astounded. I have always had boobs and an arse, even when I was thin, but since they have got bigger, men don’t leave me alone.
I have had more phone numbers thrust in my hand and more men asking to buy me drinks in the past 18 months of looking like a hippo that I ever did when I was thin.
I have a few theories on this; either they think that I am fat and desperate for male attention so they think they have more of a chance with me, or, men actually like a bit of meat. Or they have serious mummy issues and love the big boobs.
Women seem to like me more
Women love having a fat friend. It’s sad, but true. They will always look like a waif standing next to me and they can give me shitty diet advice. They also feel better when they order a pizza, because at least they aren’t as fat as me.
(If I was being a bitch, I could say that while you were telling me how sorry you are that I have gained weight and you know how terrible I must feel, your boyfriend was checking out my arse and sending me a text asking me to meet him outside).
I became funnier overnight
All those years of plugging away at stand up comedy as a thin person could have been avoided if I’d got fat sooner.
Fat people are funnier, it’s a fact. I get more laughs now than I ever have done. I have even experimented by telling a story that even I know is shit, and I have been awarded with laughter and rapturous applause that I would have never received when I was thin.
Also, see above.
The men in the audience like my tits and I am seen as non-threatening to the women.
I am happy, all the time!
Except, I’m not. I am actually clinically depressed. Not that anyone notices, because fat people are always jolly! I am called bubbly quite a lot. There is no one in this world who is less bubbly than me, but look at my big round arse – I must be happy!
I have mastered invisibility
Fat people are largely invisible. It’s great. People tend to ignore you and look right through you. This can be kind of annoying in shops when you are trying to get served, but on the up side, I am never stopped in the street and asked to fill in a survey.
Maybe they are scared I will eat them.
I can always find something to wear to an awards ceremony
All clothes made for fat women are covered in glitter or sequins, even the pyjamas. This makes dressing for occasions really easy. Also, all fat clothes are the same; tent like, badly designed and designed to be worn over leggings because fellow fat people, wearing leggings under a dress automatically makes you look five dress sizes smaller!
Actually, being fat isn’t all that great. I’ll probably go on that diet. Tomorrow. Or Monday, for sure.