“Soooooo,” he shouted through the bathroom door, obviously in pain as he emptied his bowels yet again, “what do you do for work again?”
Making small talk while shitting through the eye of a needle isn’t the easiest, but he was trying.
Going to a 1* hotel (yes, they do exist) in Spain probably wasn’t my best move ever. Especially as it was all inclusive – as many cold chips and pints of cheap lager as you could put away in a week.
It was basically several holiday sickness claims waiting to happen.
I was 18 and got talked into going by a friend of a friend. Turns out, they only asked me to go as I was the only one who could drive and they wanted to hire a car. I only went along because I really fancied one of the boys that was going and I had heard that he fancied me too, and I was hoping that a week together in a half built, all inclusive hell hole with no air conditioning and a filthy pool would be the catalyst for us getting together.
The first clue that the 1* hotel wasn’t the best move ever was the two dead mice under my bed and the fact that my toilet didn’t flush. Still, when you are 18, you can have a drink and gloss over those things – and drink we did.
There is nothing like a free bar to lift your sprits and make you not care about anything. Rats by the side of the pool? No worries! Flies all over the all day buffet that was left uncovered in the sun for 12 hours a day? Oh look, free pizza!
After two days of drinking lager out of glasses that were only on nodding terms with a dishwasher, eating pizza that had been at the mercy of the elements (and all the flies) and swimming in a pool that was more algae than chlorine, we were all struck down with diarrhoea and vomiting.
Unfortunately, when I came down with the bug, I was on a date with the guy I had fancied for ages. Luckily for me, it wasn’t too embarrassing as he was also struck down at the same time.
We spent our first date taking it in turns to use the bathroom in his room to vomit and have explosive diarrhoea. It was hardly fireworks.
Lucky for us, we were both fine after a couple of days of drinking water and feeling sorry for ourselves, but some of the other hotel guests weren’t so lucky and ended up spending most of their holiday being rehydrated at the local hospital.
Want to avoid that putting in that holiday sickness claim?
- Don’t stay in a 1* hotel, no matter how much free alcohol they promise to give you.
- Don’t eat food that has been sat on a buffet for 12 hours, no matter how drunk you are.
- Don’t swim in a pool that has green water.
- And finally, if half the bathrooms in the hotel are out of order, run away fast, because if you do get sick, there will be nowhere to hide.