Every horror film is based around the same idea – that people are stupid. It’s true. Think of any horror film and you’ll always find the same thing; a person or group of people who died horribly because they couldn’t mind their own business and didn’t seem to have any common sense.
Have you ever watched a horror film and found yourself shouting at the screen, “For fucks sake love, just leave now and go to a Travelodge”?
Maybe it’s just me then. But here is my list of tips of how to avoid death if you find yourself in a horror film scenario.
1) Don’t watch the tapes you found in the loft
Yes, I am a nosey fucker too, and I know how hard it would be not to take a little look, but if horror films have taught me anything, it’s leave the stuff you find in the attic alone.
Looking through old tapes you find in the loft, or basement, or spooky looking outbuilding never ends well. You will end up being stalked by a demon, or your children will end up becoming possessed by the Devil, so just don’t do it.
Either leave them the fuck alone, or even better, chuck them in a neighbors skip.
Actually, that goes for anything you find in the house that was there before you; scary looking books, old photo albums, evil looking toys. Just chuck them immediately and all will be fine.
2) In fact, just don’t bother going in the spooky attic or basement at all.
Your new house has a basement with a secret door? Oh, good.
Fuck it off.
Seriously, don’t go poking around anywhere because you never know what you will find. Board that bastard door up and forget it was ever there.
3) Buyer beware
You have seen a really nice, old, dilapidated house you want to buy and renovate, but it’s up a dirt track in the middle of nowhere and the old couple who live on the farm over the road seem a little strange?
But you really, really want to buy it because it has loads of potential and comes with five acres of woodland and has loads of character, what should you do?
Well, have you ever thought of buying a nice little Barrat Homes new build instead? Because what do you think the best outcome of buying that house in the middle of nowhere will be?
Do the old couple who live on the farm look inbred? You know they will be, they will be husband and wife and also brother and sister. And they will be cannibals who will eat you and turn your bones into furniture like the other chumps who have owned that house before you.
I pray your mortgage doesn’t get approved, you naïve twats.
4) Don’t go camping in the woods
It’s the half term break and your uni mates suggest all going camping in the woods. It will be great! You can have a campfire and stay up all night getting drunk and trying to get off with each other.
Let’s just take a second here to think about what could go wrong.
There will be a family of blood thirsty witches living in the forest who will pick you off one by one. The coupe who run off for a shag against the tree will die first, followed by the bespectacled virgin, the geek and lastly, the one who plays football.
You know you will all end up dead – have you never seen The Blair Witch?
Why not think about a nice weekend at Butlins instead?
5) Never, ever babysit.
Especially not on Halloween. And especially not if the parents or the child seem a bit odd. If the child looks likes like he wants to knife you in your sleep, then he probably will. If his parents seem a little bit scared of him, feign sickness and run.
If you really must babysit, keep your mobile on you at all times, because the killer will have cut the phone wires. Also don’t sit in front of the unlocked patio doors with the curtains open. That’s just asking for trouble.
Maybe take your Mum with you. I’ve never seen a horror film where the baby sitter gets it if their parents are in the room watching Emmerdale.
6) Your filmmaker wannabe friend suggests a fun work trip
“Hey, who wants to come with me to that abandoned Victorian mental hospital to see if we can make a low budget Most Haunted?”
This is where you say, “no, how about we go to the cinema tonight instead? I’ll even buy your popcorn because I don’t want to be killed horribly by a hundred and fifty year old ghost of a nun.”
Never go in the abandoned, scary looking building.
I still can’t see how people fall for that one.
You will die.