So I read a really smug blog post the other day by a woman who outlined her perfect day by the hour.
It all started at 6am with squeezing a bit of lemon in some water and doing some yoga stretches, while her perfect children ate porridge.
Then they spent the day doing craft and wholesome shit and the whole thing made me want to puke out of jealousy.
My life isn’t like that at all.
Do you want to know what my life is like?
Course you do.
7:00am – “Oh shit, I had better check what text messages and twitter DM’s I sent after all that Stella last night…..oh, thank God. I didn’t tell anyone I loved them or hated them or that I wanted to shag them. Now to read the daily mail online and see what Kim and Kanye have been up to”.
7:30am – <pokes the toddler> “Is she going to wake up, ever? Oh, that’s right, she was up until midnight again because of the extra long nap I accidentally let her have. Better scream at the teenager to get out of bed and get to school” <screams at teenager>
8am – “I wonder if the fairies have been in over night and cleaned the kitchen…..Oh, no. Still a shit hole. Best clean up and make these ungrateful children the breakfasts they never eat”
9am – “Come on, let’s got to toddler group so I can sit and drink luke warm tea while you constantly scream that you want to go home.”
10am – “Oh look, other parents are giving me dirty looks because I am on my third red bull of the morning and I am bribing you with Monster Munch so you will share nicely and not bite anyone.”
11am – “Right, an hour and a half in peace while the child naps. I will write. I will write the best blog post ever. It will be Mumsnet blog of the day and I will get 500 shares on Twitter and be invited to talk about it on this morning”.
12pm – “This blog post is crap. Lunch. God, I want a KFC bucket. I’ll have a salad. I wish I was thin. And I wish I had a proper job. I’m going to apply for some more jobs that I don’t have a fucking hope of getting.”
1pm – “Blog post done. It’s not awful, but not great. What am I doing this for anyway? I only had ten views last week. I can’t even remember the point of starting the fucking thing now.”
2pm – “Oh shit, the toddler! Wake up! Eat some food! No, don’t just smash it into the carpet! Christ’s sake. Oh crap, you are going to be up all bloody night now, aren’t you? Right, park. Run round, get tired, and please, don’t bite anyone. If you have to bite, bite me, but please not any other children. Oh fuck it, too late. This is why no one likes us. Is it wrong to have a fag in the playground?”
3pm – “Must remember never to take the toddler to the park when it’s busy. Grand total of three children bitten while she was waiting for her turn on the slide.”
4pm – “What the hell shall I cook for dinner tonight? What will everyone eat? Pasta with some sort of sauce again. I knew I should have bought shares in Dolmio. Heres the teenager home from school, slamming the door. Oh, what’s that, you already went to the dodgy chicken place on your way home, so you don’t want any dinner? Fuck you then. Maybe I will just order pizza”.
5pm – “Thank you, Dominios. Toddler, why aren’t you eating? Oh, I forgot, you won’t eat anything that isn’t a Kinder Egg. I’ll have your share then. This is why I am fat. Oh look a can of Stella.”
6pm – “In the bath. Just get in the bath. Toddlers like baths, why don’t you? Yes, here’s the shower head, you can soak me, as long as we get that mud out of your hair.”
7pm – “Bedtime for you, dear toddler – hahahaha, just kidding. Thought we’d try though. Having kids is crap, oh look, more beer”.
8pm – “I’ve watched Paw Patrol all day and now she’s screaming for Family Guy. I know this makes me a terrible parent, but I’m tired, so here’s Stewie. I am so tired that I think I fancy Brian the dog.”
9pm – “Come on toddler, lets get into bed. Do you want to sleep in your own bed, or do you want to kick me in the kidneys all night? Silly question, what a daft Mummy I am! Oh, there you go, you can take up the entire bed, I like sleeping clinging onto the edge.”
Most of the time I will fall asleep before she does, but if not:
10pm – “This is getting stupid now. It’s 10pm and I don’t want to watch anymore crappy American children on youtube.”
11pm – “Thank God she’s asleep. Right now, lets get started on the writing, so much work to do”