Because I do a very glamorous and exciting job (I might be taking the piss with that) I sometimes get to go to things and meet famous people. The things I meet these people at tend to involve lots of hanging around while having access to lots of free alcohol.
I don’t do well in a free bar with lots of time on my hands, so I am usually the first to be staggering around and slurring. And that in itself is quite an accomplishment given some of the people I have met.
Here’s a list of things that you probably shouldn’t do to celebrities if you want their PRs to keep inviting you to events.
- Ask them to marry you
- Ask them if they are sure they won’t marry you
- Say “okay then, how about just a shag?” in front of their partner
- Ask for a job when it’s a no to a shag
- Fall over while walking away
(The time I met Ricky Gervais)
- Tell them you named your childhood hamster after them, because they had a huge growth on their face too
- Tell them that the follow up single to their one hit wonder was shit and that was why it all went wrong
- Go on to pinpoint the exact Top of The Pops performance where it all went wrong and mimic the moves they did which made them look like a twat
- Proceed to have a go at them for not responding to your friends request for them to perform at a charity event
- Tell them that they are actually quite nice because you thought they would be a bit of a wanker
(The time I met Chesney Hawkes)
- Hide under the table when they walk in, and when it turns out they know the person you are with and sit at your table, then have to pretend you were just looking for your fork
- Say, “fucking hell, you really are short, aren’t you?”
- Say, “Your brother can’t sing for shit and he’s a total dickhead, but he’s way fitter than you”
- Say, “Actually, I fancy you more now, I thought you’d be a cunt”
- Get really, really drunk and throw up in their hallway after you went back to their house for a party
(The time I met Noel Gallagher)
- Say “Knock Knock, who’s there? Dr? Dr Who” and then piss yourself laughing
- Ask if Billie Pipers mouth really is that huge in real life
- Ask if it’s really true that his dick really is the size of a babies arm like Billie Piper said in an interview
- And for fucks sake, don’t ask to see it
(The time I interviewed David Tennant. That went well)
- Say, “Christ, you really are an unfunny twat”
- Followed by “so, where shall we start with the awful script?”
(Jack Whitehall, but it’s cool, we are friends now)
- Say, “Hang on – I thought you were dead?” And then keep on and on that no, they are dead because you read that they are dead.
- Keep going on and fucking on about it until they look at you like you are mental and their manager tells you to go away
(Jeff Goldblum, and yes, I still think he’s dead)
- Repeatedly wind them up by pretending to not know who they are
- Get them to list the films they have been in, look at them blankly and say “hmm, never heard of those. Have you been in The Bill?”
- Say, “No seriously, never heard of Lord of the Rings. Is it a comedy?”
- Ask them to adopt you and then cry and snot all over them when they are lovely and give you a hug and say to you “If only I could, my darling” and are then really kind to you all day.
(Dawn French, I wish she was my Mummy)
- Run away and hide when you ask them for a shag and they say “yes, shall we go upstairs?”
(One of the Hobbits out of Lord of the Rings)
Disclaimer – I was so drunk for all of the above and I really am sorry, especially for not shagging the Hobbit he was actually quite good looking in real life.