I really do attract the wankers.
I have had quite an overwhelmingly brilliant past couple of weeks with lots of lovely messages, especially since this post went out but I’ve also had the nutters out in force since my Facebook page has grown.
I wrote a couple of things about being skint and all of a sudden, some people think I am either a Jeremy Kyle style benefits scrounger, or that I am lying and actually laying around on piles of gold bars, lighting my farts off £50 notes.
In reality, I am somewhere in between. Well, closer to the Jeremy end of the scale but that’s only on account of me being slightly lazy and bloody loving a kebab.
Here are some of my favourite nutcases from this week:
#5“You are a disgrace as a parent”
Really? And you get all that from the FICTION that I write? Or have you got one of those Harry Potter cloaks so you can follow me around all day.
If my children end up on Jeremy Kyle with no teeth telling the world how shit I was then I will contact you and you can tell me you were right and piss in my tea.
Until then, fuck off.
#4 “Have you actually heard James Arthur’s music? He is a talented writer – more talented than you could ever hope to be.”
Oh! Oh my god, this has so much mileage. Where to begin?
Okay, so I will admit when James Arthur was first on the X factor, I was like, “ooo, look, he is a bit messed up and scruffy and drinks lots of larger in a shithole” because I am a sucker for that in a bloke (which is probably why I am piss poor, I tend to go for functioning alcoholics rather than Doctors), but after the X factor was over, I soon forgot all about him, fickle old bitch that I am.
And then, then he had loads of cosmetic surgery and started wearing mascara and I could not stop Googling photos of him and gasping in horror (it was like an addiction for a few weeks), and then I totally forgot about him, again. And then, I was sat in an audition the other week and his new song was on repeat and it is up there the worst songs ever written.
The lyrics are laughable and he sings like he’s having a wank through most of it.
Hats off to him though for the line “I want to live with you even after we are ghosts” because that shit will be making me laugh this time next year.
In short, James Arthur is a cunt.
#3 “I still can’t believe that someone shagged such a vacuous bitch as yourself and gave them children.”
Oh, not just ‘someone’ my love. ‘Ole slapper that I am, my two kids have different dads. They both married me as well.
So shove that up your fanny.
#2 “How did you get a part in a TV pilot? I am a professional actor of many years as are many of my peers and we haven’t had a break like that yet. I can only imagine you are well connected”
Oh, so you and your friends are waiters in TGI Fridays then? See, I can be a nasty bitch if you are.
No, I am not well connected. Yes, I know people, but I have had no help. Hence why I am still churning out this shit just to keep stats up and taking abuse from arseholes like you.
A producer saw me doing an audition for a TV commercial. They then asked me to audition for a pilot. As a professional actor of many years, I take it you know that’s how these things usually work?
Luckily the part called for a 36 year old, fat, tired looking, miserable old soak, so I got it.
Oh, and all the years studying drama after school and getting distinctions in all the L.A.M.D.A exams probably helped too.
#1 “Would you like to sit on this?”
Accompanied by a photograph of a very small, semi erect penis. I had to sit on my hands not to reply and say, “How?”
But instead I replied with this:
Chris Griffin as Buffalo Bill didn’t seem as harsh somehow.
I do love a dick pic boys, they make me laugh. Just send them to me instead of the girl you are trying to ask out on Snapchat and I will feel like I am doing a public service.