Get Your Fucking Saliva Away From Me

“Let’s share a dessert” – That is probably the worst thing anyone can ever say to me. It’s up there with “I’ve murdered your whole family” or “Liam Hemsworth is gay”.

I have a friend who always wants to share a dessert with me when we go out to eat and it really pisses me off. If I want to have a dessert I am going to have the whole fucking thing, but that’s not my only problem with sharing food.

My big problem is the whole digging in with spoons coated in saliva into the same food thing, which is just about acceptable when you are digging in from opposite ends of the plate, but what happens when you get to the middle? Someone is going to have to eat that last bit, which is now sandwiched between two lots of saliva.

What is even worse is sharing the same spoon – there are people who actually suggest doing that and it’s the most disgusting thing on Earth. I’d rather go hungry than share a spoon, but it seems to be the thing to do for some people, one desert and one spoon and they all pile in. I can’t even watch that happening without retching.

And you know when people pass round a bottle for everyone to take a swig out of?

Yeah, that’s just the worst thing anyone can ever do. So many  parties and festivals that have been ruined for me because my friends thought it would be a great idea to buy a bottle of whiskey or vodka for us all to swig on, leaving me the only one queuing for the beer tent because I didn’t want to drink multiple people’s spit back.

I’ve got another friend who is an amazing cook. He is brilliant, but he’s got one flaw: He’s got what is known as ‘Jamie Oliver tongue’.

Just like Saint Jamie, his tongue is ever so slightly too big for his mouth, so he spits when he talks – and he talks a lot. When he’s cooking, I can see him spitting into the food and I can’t bring myself to eat it. He also does that really annoying thing of double dipping the spoon when he goes in for a taste, so to me, what ever he cooked is just filled with spit and however good it looks or smell, I can’t bring myself to eat it. It’s just a big plate of spit to me.

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My feelings on sharing food and drink are pretty simple: Unless I am fucking you, I don’t want to share bodily fluids with you. And actually, even if I am fucking you, I still won’t let you drink out of the same straw as me or share a spoon. Mad, isn’t it? I’ll snog you and I’ll suck your penis; I’ll even let you blow your load in my mouth but take a sip out of my can of coke and I’ll feel sick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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