Dear Tinder, by Mummy Princess (Yes, I’ve ripped off Dear Zoo).

I went on Tinder

to find me a shag

They sent me a……



He was too beardy!

And the twat wore braces on his trousers

But no socks on his feet!

The fuck is that about?

I sent him back


So they sent me an…


Fuck me, he was a miserable twat!

And he was 19

Seriously, Tinder? 19?  Fuck you, I’ve got older knickers.

I sent him back.


So they sent me an….

Investment banker.

Called Giles.


He was too posh and liked fucking pre op transsexual prostitutes and snorting coke.

I sent him back.


So they sent me a…


I thought, “ooo, rich law person”.

Turned out the twat worked in Starbucks on minimum wage.

I got him mixed up with a Barrister, which is a real fucking job.

He asked if he could borrow a tenner.

I sent him back.


So they sent me a…

Member of the Tory Party!

He went on about how Thatcher was brilliant.

I grew up in 1980s Cornwall.

I heartily disagreed and called him a stupid, pig fucking, cunt.

He didn’t like that.

I sent him back.


So they sent me a …


Fuck me, she looked like a bloke in her photos.

How was I supposed to know?

But I am afraid I like cocks.

I sent her back.


So they sent me a…


He spent the whole evening talking about how far he shoves his hands up cow’s vaginas

Before asking for anal sex even before the main course had appeared.

I admired his bravery


I sent him back


So they thought

Very hard, and

They sent me a….

Nice, normal bloke who liked getting pissed at the pub and having kebabs

And who wasn’t a wanker

And  who had a rather large penis

And knew what to do with it.


He was perfect!

I kept him.

(Tied up in my loft so the fucker could never get away.

Yeah, that’s right

And no one will hear that fucker scream either

Because I am not doing this Tinder shit again).











  1. Upon trying to explain who you were to hubby and telling him how funny you are, I gave up by just reading him one of your posts.
    We are both in hysterics at this post and I will be sharing as this is too good not too!
    Thank you for making my ribs hurt after the wankiest of weeks xx

    Liked by 1 person

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