I Was Asked To Review A She-Wee. I Didn’t. But Here’s a Story About One Anyway.
The woman who gave me the she-wee lied.
It wasn’t ‘just like pissing like a bloke’ it was like trying to contain Niagara Falls in a test tube, and I turned the snow around me yellow, I wanted the abominable snowman to sweep me up and eat me.
I once went to the top of a mountain in New Zealand by helicopter and tired to use a She-wee while I was there.
When it was time to leave the top of the mountain, a huge storm cloud came in and we were told we would have to sit it out as it wasn’t safe for the helicopter to take off. I had my then six year old with me, and as my back packing risks went with him, this wasn’t a good one. Especially as I was bursting for a wee and the only place the pilot would let us go was against the side of the helicopter so we didn’t get lost and fall down a crevice.
“Here, use this,” said the woman sat next to me, “it’ll make you piss like a bloke, no mess and you won’t have to squat and get your arse cold”.
It didn’t go well. Did you know that piss covered trousers freeze when you are on a mountain?
She-wees are shit. You have to hold the funnel in a really weird way and it feels like you are trying to suction your vagina with a sink plunger.
You know when you can’t wee because it just feels so wrong? Like when you are in the bath and you need to go and you think, “Jesus, I can’t piss in the bath, I still need to wash my hair”? Well, that’s what standing next to a helicopter on a stormy mountain with a she-wee sticking out of your flies does to you.
I am only talking about she-wees because I got asked to review one. I am not going to do it, although it would probably be very funny, but it brought back memories of pissing on that mountain.