Buckle the fuck up now, because this one is about exercise and it is terrifying.
Once upon a time there lived an absolutely miserable bitch of a Princess whose only joy in life came from lager, fags and takeaways.
“I fucking love a curry, but it’s made me fat. Who the hell cursed all the nice things with so many calories!” Wailed Mummy Princess as she made duck faces in the mirror, so she could see her cheekbones for the first time in a year.
“I want to drink lots of alcohol and eat lots of crap and never get fat.”
“Stop being such a moaning cow and go to the gym down the road.” Mumbled Daddy Prince as the fat fuck shoveled another bacon sandwich in his mouth.
“What, you mean the one in West Ealing that the tramps piss in the door way of and you have to step over used needles to get into?”
“It’s cheap” Said Daddy Prince, the tight fucker.
Mummy Princess has actually been meaning to go and join this gym quite a few times recently, but the trouble is, it’s sandwiched in the middle Sainsbury’s and a Greggs.
What kind of a sadistic arsehole builds a gym next door to a Greggs?
Sainsbury’s for lager and fags and then Greggs for sausage rolls and donuts, that’s how the world works. No bugger is stopping at a gym in between.
“Maybe they could hold a pasty in front of you on a treadmill and make you run for it.” Said that cunt, Daddy Prince.
“Oh fuck off will you, I made an appointment for an induction if you must know and I’m going now.” Shouted Mummy Princess as she flounced out the door.
Have you ever been in a gym? It’s like a torture chamber staffed with Playboy models and Incredible Hulk body doubles. It’s really not the place for someone whose idea of fun is to start drinking at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon.
Mummy Princess looked at her fat arse in the mirrored wall and instantly felt out of place.
“Hunnffff hunngg huuuffffnnng” Said the strapping young man with arms wider than Mummy Princesses thighs behind the reception desk.
Mummy Princess didn’t understand a fucking word he said, but the little blonde cow sat next to him giggled, looked Mummy Princess up and down like she was a sack of shit and said “are you here for an induction? I’ll show you around”.
The little blonde cow took her down stairs into a room filled with lots of metal contraptions and more sweaty, grunting men with big shoulders.
“I take it you want to lose a little weight” said the presumptuous little bitch to Mummy Princess.
Mummy Princess tried to think of a comeback, but it was true.
“Her eyes are wonky and I’ve got bigger tits” thought Mummy Princess to herself as she envisioned stabbing the bitch.
“This is a treadmill, it’s good for walking and running and burning calories”
“No fucking shit” thought Mummy Princess, “I might be fat but I’m not thick, love”.
“Oh good, well I’ll go on that then.” Said Mummy Princess.
Mummy Princess is always walking up the shop for more lager and fags, so how hard could a treadmill be?
Five minuets later
Guess who forgot to do up the laces on her trainers and got them caught in the treadmill?
Guess who fell on her arse in front of the little blonde cow?
Guess who is never going back to the gym ever again?
Five minuets after that and Mummy Princess was in Greggs where the nice man who works there gave her a red bull on the house as she perused the pastries and sobbed like a fucker.
“Would you like a pint in the Forster later, or will you be at the gym?” he said, trying to be funny.
“Make mine a fosters, see you at 8” said Mummy Princess through a mouthfull of yum yum.
Fuck you, exercise. Fuck you.