“Great costume!” Shouts some cunt as Mummy Princess is dragging Princess Tantrum into a God awful Halloween Party for toddling shits.
“Get to fuck.” Thinks Mummy Princess as she smiles back trying not to cry.
Mummy Princess is not dressed up.
Princess Tantrum is in full zombie costume, but Mummy Princess always looks like a zombie sack of shit. It’s called being poor and very tired.
Mummy Princess likes Halloween because she can steal all the children’s trick or treat chocolate once they have finally fucked off to bed. In the morning, she tells them it’s gone because Santa ate it due to them being whinging bastards so far this year. She finds it helps keep them on track for the next couple of months.
Mummy Princess isn’t worried about winning any parenting awards, so she doesn’t care that she’s sometimes a cow.
As Princess Tantrum excels herself this year by drowning other children in the apple bobbing tank and setting fire to the decorations, Mummy Princess looks around the hall.
“This is actually like hell.” She thinks as she surveys the carnage around her.
Ten minuets in, a Halloween Party for toddler’s looks exactly as the party section of Tesco Extra would look after being looted during the apocalypse.
The good only thing about this Halloween is the new Instagram trend for painting pumpkins rather than carving them. That is exactly the sort of half arsed approach that Mummy Princess loves, and maybe this year, she won’t end up in A&E after stabbing her hand trying and failing to copy some intricate pumpkin design she saw on Facebook.
“Maybe you shouldn’t carve the Pumpkin when you are pissed, you fucking idiot.” Daddy Prince says.
“Maybe you could get off your lazy arse and do it yourself then.” Replies Mummy Princess as she opens another can of lager and swears about there being no fags left.
Mummy Princess has been drowning her sorrows recently, and that is why she hasn’t told any stories or done anything funny at the pub. She has obviously been to the pub, but she’s mostly just sat in the corner looking like a miserable bastard and getting into silly arguments with her friends.
This is because many years ago, before Daddy Prince, Mummy tried to hook up with one of the Transformers from the other side of the Kingdom.
Did this Transformer take any of the hints that Mummy Princess wanted to have a ride in him? No he didn’t. Not until it was far too late.
Now Mummy Princess is fucked off because she likes him better than Batman and even Thor who she got off with when she was 21.
“Life is fucking shit sometimes” says Mummy Princess as she slices her finger open while cutting into the pumpkin.
Oh yes! She did carve one in the end because she was too much of a lazy cow to walk down to Wilkos to buy paint.
“That will teach you to be such a twat” says Daddy Prince.
Mummy Princess totally loses her shit at this point and plunges the knife deep into his neck, decapitating him.
“Fuck off you cunt” Cackles Mummy Princess, “Your head will make my best pumpkin yet“.
(No men were actually stabbed in the writing of this story and no children were downed by the toddler. Sorry it’s a bit half arsed. And yes, I totally ripped off the Psychoville Halloween special. If Reece Shearsmith wants to tell me off for that, he’s quite welcome to over a few drinks).