The email was titled “Mr. Tumble’s Spotty Cock”.
I opened up the email at 6am with bleary eyes and there, standing erect and proud was a stranger’s penis. Painted in yellow (dear God, I hope it was painted or that man is very ill) with red, green and blue spots dabbed on it. Mr. Tumble’s spotty cock indeed.
10/10 for effort and ingenuity.
As unsolicited dick pics go, it was up there with the best I’ve had. It was inventive and it showed that the sender had been reading my blog and the many references to Cbeebies. As it was erect, I assumed that means he liked it.
I seem to attract a lot of cock photos, and I figure some of my male readers have a scoring system for my blog posts in the form of how hard their dicks are in the photos:
Flaccid = No. No, that was shit.
Half Mast = Hmm – I liked it, I didn’t love it.
Fully Erect = Wow, now that is a good piece of work. Well done, you!
‘Erupting’ = Give this woman a book deal and TV show, she is a comic genius!
Yes – Erupting.
I have had two of those. One captioned “do you want to see how good this tastes?” to which I replied, “unless you are shooting cotton candy from your nads, it will taste like spunk. Which, to be fair, is never going to make it on to a Michelin star menu” before blocking him.
The other was swiftly followed by a shot of said penis erect again, entitled “I am ready for round two”. My reply? “All penises look like they have gone a few rounds in the ring, dear boy” before, yes, blocking.
I don’t know why men keep sending me photos of their penises.
I think it’s like they are little boys with a toy they want to proudly show off. Well, the erupting or erect ones – I have never understood the flaccid ones.
I would love to release a book of all the dick pics I have received. I have a folder on my mac labeled, “Penises of the internet”. Yes, I save them before I block them. Who wouldn’t?
(Yes, I know, most of you.)
For all the men reading this, I can guarantee you that there are not many women out there who would welcome a photograph of your genitalia – and the women who would? Well, good luck with them.
It’s unimaginable to think a woman would randomly send a photograph of her labia in a twitter direct message to a man she’d never met (or a man she has met for that matter), so it’s a mystery why men do it.
But “Mr. Tumble’s cock” will always have a special place in my heart. I’m thinking of making it my screensaver.