Dick Pics? I’ve Had A Few

The email was titled “Mr. Tumble’s Spotty Cock”.

I opened up the email at 6am with bleary eyes and there, standing erect and proud was a stranger’s penis. Painted in yellow (dear God, I hope it was painted or that man is very ill) with red, green and blue spots dabbed on it. Mr. Tumble’s spotty cock indeed.

10/10 for effort and ingenuity.

As unsolicited dick pics go, it was up there with the best I’ve had. It was inventive and it showed that the sender had been reading my blog and the many references to Cbeebies. As it was erect, I assumed that means he liked it.

I seem to attract a lot of cock photos, and I figure some of my male readers have a scoring system for my blog posts in the form of how hard their dicks are in the photos:

Flaccid = No. No, that was shit.

Half Mast = Hmm – I liked it, I didn’t love it.

Fully Erect = Wow, now that is a good piece of work. Well done, you!

‘Erupting’ = Give this woman a book deal and TV show, she is a comic genius!

Yes – Erupting.

I have had two of those. One captioned “do you want to see how good this tastes?” to which I replied, “unless you are shooting cotton candy from your nads, it will taste like spunk. Which, to be fair, is never going to make it on to a Michelin star menu” before blocking him.

The other was swiftly followed by a shot of said penis erect again, entitled “I am ready for round two”. My reply? “All penises look like they have gone a few rounds in the ring, dear boy” before, yes, blocking.

I don’t know why men keep sending me photos of their penises.

I think it’s like they are little boys with a toy they want to proudly show off. Well, the erupting or erect ones – I have never understood the flaccid ones.

I would love to release a book of all the dick pics I have received. I have a folder on my mac labeled, “Penises of the internet”. Yes, I save them before I block them. Who wouldn’t?

(Yes, I know, most of you.)

For all the men reading this, I can guarantee you that there are not many women out there who would welcome a photograph of your genitalia – and the women who would? Well, good luck with them.

It’s unimaginable to think a woman would randomly send a photograph of her labia in a twitter direct message to a man she’d never met (or a man she has met for that matter), so it’s a mystery why men do it.

But “Mr. Tumble’s cock” will always have a special place in my heart. I’m thinking of making it my screensaver.

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Mouse Moo Me Too


  1. Oh my goodness, I chuckled away reading this. Just the post I needed to read on this miserable Friday. But wow, why do people feel the need to just literally pop up in your inbox. I don’t think I am going to be able to watch Mr Tumble now without having a giggle. Loved this post, well done to you! #twinklytuesday

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You should totally post these! As a married woman I have missed out on this new fangled internet dating, but I did get some guy on webcam back in the day showing me his party trick of how it touched the end of a pint glass. As an 18 year old, I loved it hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahahah who the frig wants a cock shot anyway?! We did a blog about online dating… ‘Cock of the day’ was a big hit in Clara’s office! Hilarious post… How does a feral pick which blog post to read?! Hmmmm one containing the most profanity of course! #chucklemums

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahahaha – you have to give the Mr Tumbles guy points for creativity. But then you have to take them away again, because HE SENT YOU A PICTURE OF HIS PENIS. Why, why, why do guys think that women want to see their junk? I’m pretty sure that’s never worked, ever. #chucklemums


  5. I’m sorry, but every time I read something like this, which is fairly often, I crack up. I wish I could give you some insights into what these guys are thinking, but I’ve got nothing. Maybe I should start doing this just to see what happens….yea, probably not…#twinklytuesday


  6. I have a conversation daily about why men send these pics to people, I get them daily on snapchat and instagram (I have once blocked someone from snapchat to have him send a pic off someone else’s account). I even get videos of men *ahem* playing with themselves. I still don’t have a clue why!! Although none have been as well thought out as the ones you get with paint!
    I don’t save them, I delete and block but I will admit I let my friend look at the pics someone sent me claiming to be a porn star (I’m still not sure why he sent them to me) and in every pic or video the ‘manly parts’ looked completely different, as in different colours different sizes! I’m pretty sure he screenshot pics from porn sites to send me…he got blocked sharpish!!
    If anyone can explain why men send these to women who don’t want them I’d be happy to know!


  7. Haha what??! This is hilarious…you should have made a model of said penis out of play doh, then held it up in one hand with a meat cleaver in the other. That would have made a great photo! #TwinklyTuesday


  8. Ha ha, that really is some fucked up shit. I’ve had a few cock picks in my time. I find them quite nauseating in all honesty, I think willies are quite ugly if truth be told. Once, when I was about 17 or 18, I received a photo in my e-mails of a man wearing nothing but 60 denier tights with a slightly erect penis. It really was the stuff of nightmares. #chucklemums


  9. Wow. I can’t believe people send you pictures like that. What the hell goes through some people’s minds? Lol at the Mr Tumble description though.. x


  10. Wow. People are really screwed up. Makes me laugh but in the same time it is sad that idiots like these have so much spare time on their hands: I mean get undressed, take the photo (I assume it’s like girls taking selfies. You take a few until you decide on the best one) read the article, upload photo and send. Lots of patience on these waste of space individuals

    Liked by 1 person

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