Wankers of the Week – Top Ten Countdown
Or should that be top ten ‘cuntdown’.
Ever since a parenting site posted an article I wrote about my toddler being a shit as their blog of the day last Wednesday, I have been inundated with more messages than ever.
Most have been great with other parents telling me their own toddler horror stories and commiserating with me and admitting they sometime think their child is a wanker too.
I have also had some really nasty comments, which actually, I am okay with now after looking at my blog stats for last week. Honestly, if there are people who hate me and my writing so much, then long let them continue to click the links and keep reading – they are doing me a huge favour.
So, here’s my countdown of my favourite nasty comments received this week. All of these are 100% real. There really are some unhinged people out there.
In at #10… ‘Don’ with, “Your (sic) a shit writer.”
Yeah…that would be YOU’RE. There were so many people complaining about my writing style while committing horrendous spelling and grammar abominations themselves.
At #9…. ‘Rachel B’ with, “I’d rather read a blog written by Myra Hindley than an arsehole like you”.
Actually, I’d be inclined to agree. Especially as they would be written from the special place in hell she now resides in. Plus, surely Myra Hindley was a much bigger arsehole than me? I merely call children arseholes for comedy effect, she was a mass murderer.
At number #8 …’The Martian’ with, “Have you got big tits?”
There was only one of these, but boy did it make me laugh. There is always one who will try it on. I replied, “yes, as it happens. Have you?” Because you never know, it could just be another mum needing advice on where to buy her underwear. Unless it was actually a little man from Mars wanting to learn about human anatomy. Maybe I should have directed him to NASA.
At #7, and this was a great one, we have “MrsCBulmer” with, “I am appalled. APPALLED. APPALLED that a parenting site are directing mothers to read tripe such as this. You should be ashamed”.
Loving the way she felt she had to write appalled a further two times, in CAPITAL LETTERS incase I was too thick to get it. She, however, might be a bit thick, because it sounds like she want’s to be complaining to the parenting site instead of me.
At #6 we have this beauty from Janet, “The only arsehole here is you”.
No, Janet. I am afraid my toddler is in fact, a bigger arsehole than me, as quite clearly stated in my post. As I type, she is trampling my home made fish pie into the carpet while singing twinkle twinkle little star and throwing crayons at the cat. That is the definition of arsehole.
I would like to add, that you Janet, are quite the arsehole yourself given your comment.
In at #5 this week is “PeterCobbles” with, “You speak to your children in that way? I bet your teenage son is up in his room smoking a spliff and shagging his girlfriend.”
Oh, Peter! You cunt. For starters, my house is so small I can smell it from two rooms away if my son farts in his bedroom. I cooked an egg curry last week and the smell is still lingering up the stairs. I think I would be able to smell weed in my house, and I would definitely hear shagging and notice that a girl was in his room with him. I would bet my last tenner that you Peter, do not have a girlfriend.
And no, I don’t swear at my children, unless you count me flipping them the finger behind thier backs most days.
At #4, we have ‘Melissaj’ getting personal about my children with “Your poor daughter sounds like she is autistic. You should be helping her instead of slagging her off”.
Nope. No, she’s just a wanker, like most other toddlers. I deleted your comment as it does a real disservice to all those parents who really do think their toddler may be on the spectrum and are having a hugely stressful and worrying time trying to get a diagnosis.
At #3, “User451” wanted me to know that, “I think you are one of the worst parents I have ever come across. To use that sort of language in front of your children is abhorrent”.
Yo User, when have I ever said I call my toddler a prick to her face? I am in fact, a great parent. I’m like a cross between Peter ‘I love my kids’ Andre and Mother Teresa. This blog is just a mix of real life and fiction. Remember that.
At #2 is ‘Mary’ with the short and simple, “Cunt.”
I was at a loss to decide if I should include this one really, as I wasn’t sure if she was calling me a cunt, or agreeing that my toddler sounded tiresome. Either way, great word. You can’t say it without sounding full of venom.
And at #1 this week, we have ‘Anon’ who really brought out the big guns with “I know where you live and I am reporting you to social services for the contents of this blog. You are a terrible person”.
They know where I live and they think I am a terrible person. Was this my ex husband? Someone who I didn’t return a round of drinks for at the pub? Who knows.
In all seriousness, those were just a few of the shitty comments I get each time something I write is published.
Let me tell you something about me: I am a writer. A stand up comic at heart, most of the funny articles I write start out as a stand up routine – funny, sometimes a bit shocking little snippets that would provoke a laugh or a gasp. Then I fill in the blanks and make it an article. Yes, it’s based on my life, but it has a heavy spoon of fiction and a smattering of comic effect mixed in.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it. But please, if you hate something that much, don’t waste a few precious minuets of your life telling me that – I simply don’t care.
And for all of those who do read, laugh, send me lovely comments and emails saying how your children are the same, or how you have had the same experiences – thank you! I read all my messages and am often up until midnight replying to them. Big sloppy kisses to you.