Mummy Princess and The Tiger Who Came To Tea. Yes, A Fucking Tiger Who Drinks Tea. I know, I Thought It Was Mental Too – A Heavily Plagiarized, Notaneffingfairytale Fairytale

Once there was a little girl called Princess Tantrum, and she was having tea with her mummy – Mummy Princess – in the kitchen. Actually, what Princess Tantrum didn’t know was that Mummy Princess was drinking neat vodka out of a mug, because she had been such an awful shit that day.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Princess Tantrum’s mummy said, “For fucks sake, what the fuck now, it’s 4 o’pissing clock, Come Dine With Me is on in a bit, can’t these fuckers send a text?”

It can’t be the milkman, because Mummy Princess goes to bloody Sainsbury’s every cunting day.

And it can’t be the boy from the grocer, because show me where the nearest fucking grocer is anymore, and anyway, Occado don’t deliver to this bastard address.

And it can’t be Daddy Prince, because the fucker will be in the pub after an early finish.

Princess Tantrum opened the door, and there was a big, fury, stripy, tiger.

Yes, really.

“Excuse me, but I am very hungry. Do you think I can come and have tea with you?”

Princess Tantrum’s mummy thought, “What the actual fuck is going on? I thought that line of coke from last night had worn off? This tiger is fucking talking. I must be off my tits still. Christ, this cheap vodka I got from the Polish shop is good, I’m getting more of this shit. Now, where’s the gun, I could use a new rug”

But for the purposes of this story, Princess Tantrum’s mummy said, “Of course, come in.” Like a great, big twat, because that would be the obvious thing to do when faced with a talking fucking tiger that your small child had opened the door to.

So the tiger came in and sat down at the table. Without being invited to take a seat first, the rude bastard. That rug was looking like a better idea all the time.

Princess Tantrum’s mummy, clearly out of her tree from last night said, “Would you like a sandwich?”

But the tiger didn’t take just one sandwich. He’s a greedy fucker who’s mother obviously never taught him any manners. He took all the sandwiches on the plate and swallowed them in one big mouthful.

Owp!

“Cunt!” thought Mummy Princess

And he still looked hungry, so Princess Tantrum passed him the buns.

“Do you think we are fucking made of money?” Hissed Princess Tantrum’s mummy as she kicked her under the table.

But again the tiger didn’t just eat one bun. He ate all the buns on the dish. And then he ate all the biscuits and all the cake, until there was nothing left to eat on the table.

He was really taking the piss now, that was Mummy Princesses hangover stash. Unbelievably, Princess Tantrum’s mummy said, “would you like a drink?” and the tiger drank all of the milk in the jug – “I wonder if it will give him the shits, like it does the cats?” thought Mummy Princess – and all the tea in the teapot.

And then, the cheeky bastard looked round the kitchen to see what else he could find.

He ate all the supper that was ready to go in the microwave…and all the ready meals and pasties in the fridge…and all the packets and tins in the cupboard…and he drank all the milk – “I hope you get the shits so bad, you cunt” thought Mummy Princess – and all the orange juice and all Daddy’s beer – “that will teach him” thought Mummy Princess – and all the water in the tap.

Mummy Princess wasn’t sure how you could drink all the water in the tap. He would have to drink a lot of water, but for the sake of the story, she let it slide.

Then he said “Thank you for my nice tea. I think I’d better go now”

And off he fucked.

Can you believe that? What a bell end. He came in, at everything, drank all the Stella, made a huge mess and then just fucked off into the night? What a prick!

Princess Tantrum’s mummy said, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve got nothing for Daddy’s supper, the tiger has eaten it…….oh, wait! It’s not 1952 anymore, if he wants to eat, he can go down the garage and get a Gingsters, I couldn’t give a monkey’s.”

And Princess Tantrum found she couldn’t have her bath because the tiger had drunk all the water in the tap. Again, we don’t know how this is actually possible. But Mummy Princess was just glad that she didn’t have to endure the screaming while she tried to wash and detangle Princess Tantrum’s hair.

Just then, Princess Tantrums Daddy came home, stinking of fags and expecting everyone to run and greet him like he was a fucking war hero.

So Princess Tantrum and her mummy told him what had happened, and how the tiger had eaten all the food and drunk all the drink.

“What the fuck are you on?” Daddy said to Mummy Princess. “Are you on that knock off vodka from the Polish shop again? I know it was you who drank all the Stella and ate all the shit in the house, don’t be a dick and lie about a talking fucking tiger, or I am taking you to rehab. That’s just fucking weird. And if there’s no water coming out the taps, why didn’t you call a fucking plumber? I know what we’ll do. I’ve got a very good idea. We’ll put on our coats and go to the pub, seeing as there’s no fucking beer left in the fridge, because of the ‘tiger’.

So they went out in the dark, and all the street lamps were lit, and all the cars had their lights on, apart from the cunts that didn’t and couldn’t use their indicators either, and they walked down the road to the Forester.

And they had a lovely supper with beer and bars snacks.

In the morning, Princess Tantrum went shopping in bloody Sainsbury’s, again, and they bought lots more unhealthy things to eat.

And they also bought a very big tin of Tiger Food, incase the tiger should come to tea again. If he did, Mummy Princess would bash him over the head and sell him to the Chinese herbalist on the Avenue for a massive profit.

But the bastard never did.

*for the benefit of all those pearl clutchers out there, no I do not take cocaine, drink neat vodka at 4pm, swear at my child or advocate killing tigers to make rugs or chinese medicine. It’s called fiction.

7 Comments »

  1. I bet the sausage and chips and ice cream they ate at the all-night caff was derived from tiger products.

    Is it wrong that I’d totally bang the dad? I could soothe that furrowed brow in a thrice! Thanks for linking to #chucklemums xx

    Like

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