“You know that little bastard Bing? He’d be the first to go in a stew. Even if there was still a years worth of caviar and foie gras in the pantry, I’d hunt that little fucker down and eat him on day one of the Apocalypse.” – Me, discussing my cbeebies world Zombie Plan.
Everyone has a Zombie Apocalypse plan, right? Your plan of how you would survive if Zombies rose from the dead and started infecting the living. A plan for how you would keep alive while bashing as many of them over the head as possible while saving small children and old nuns on the way to a safety enclave run by Bear Grills.
My plan is watertight. I know where I would go and what I would do and it would all be great. A Zombie Apocalypse is my dream: I’ve been watching Dawn Of the Dead since I was 5 and I think I have seen every Zombie, Pandemic and Demon film ever made, so obviously, I know what I am talking about.
Put it this way: If I am dead, you have all been dead for months.
Since having the toddler I am not able to indulge my love of Zombie genre films on a daily basis anymore. The Zombie films have been replaced by cbeebies (although on a slow day, it’s hard to tell the difference).
I have a whole scenario in my head in which all the places in Cbeebies land actually exist. Just pretend for a moment that Riverseafingal, Balamory, Greendale etc. are real and geographically close together. Just imagine the map of Middle Earth crossed with cbeebies magazine and you are just about there. Imagine Cbeeiesland is the world, which actually isn’t hard if you are at home with small children all day.
Also imagine that I am a cross between Laura Croft and Nigella Lawson, have a fabulous wardrobe, and I live on the outskirts of Cbeebies land.
So here it is, My Cbeebies Zombie Apocalypse: Chapter One.
It has been three weeks since the Cbeebiesland main television station, the imaginatively named Cbeebies went off the air after Andy and Carrie were brutally attacked on screen as zombies invaded the cbeebies house. I watched aghast as Andy, who is so blasé with dinosaurs, was disemboweled by Rebecca, his entrails unceremoniously flung onto the camera lens.
After the Cbeebies station went down, it wasn’t long before I could hear the screams of people trying to escape the undead out of my kitchen window. I knew then that I would have to head out into Cbeebiesland and try and find a place to hunker down and eat chocolate and get fucked on Stella until it was all over.
Arming myself with a large kitchen knife and a water pistol filled with confetti incase I ran into a Zombie Mr. Tumble, I headed out into the unknown to put my Cbeebies Zombie Apocalypse plan into action.
Living in Cbeebiesland, I am well aquatinted with all it’s inhabitants, so I knew the people best placed to help me survive.
My first starting point was to kidnap Mr. Maker. He’s a twat, but, that suitcase of his seems pretty bloody useful, as it’s bottomless. Have you seen all the shit he can shove in there? It’s never ending. I reckoned he could get a years worth of supplies in there, easy. I got him on board by kidnapping those bastard shapes that make children dance uncomfortably while mumbling at the camera.
“Come with me, Mr. Maker, or the dancing shapes get fucked up with a black marker and a cigarette lighter.” I said in my best Arnie voice.
Mr. Maker did as he was told, mainly as he was shitting his pants at the thought of Zombies eating him.
So, with Mr. Maker and his suitcase on board, we set off to Mr. Bloom’s allotment with the sole intention of nicking his his van. It’s pretty old, so I wasn’t sure how far it would get us, but it looked big and sturdy enough to plough down a few dozen Zombies on our way. I would have preferred one of Bob the Builders big machines, but Bobsville is on the other side of Cbeebies land and we couldn’t risk wasting any time.
It was fairy easy to take Mr. Blooms van. There was no question of him ever coming with us: I can’t fucking stand him and his Mark Owen impression, but I was worried that I would have to kill him. I needn’t have worried, he refused to leave his talking vegetables and said he needed to protect them at all costs. Twat.
Our next stop would be somewhere to hold out for the night. I was thinking a farm. Big barns, middle of nowhere. Weapons in the form of hoes and scythes. Yep, Big Barn Farm.
Once we’d got past the weirdness of the talking animals and taken the piss out of the pig for the fact that ‘Babe’ did this shit twenty years ago, we barricaded our selves in the barn for the night and hankered down.
As Mr. Maker disappeared off to the sheep shed for some fun, sexual deviant that he is, I tried to get some sleep in the hayloft while the animals got drunk all called me a cunt from outside. You don’t hear their potty mouths on Cbeebies, but honestly, those Geese are vile.
At first light we looted the farmhouse, stealing food, anything sharp and pointy and the farmers guns, loaded them all into Mr. Makers magic suitcase and headed off in Mr. Bloom’s truck. Mr. Maker was in the back, messing around making paper mache Zombies, and getting feathers and PVA glue everywhere. It was when he spilt glitter all over my egg sandwich, looted from a BP garage, that I started making plans to ditch the bastard. I only needed him for his suitcase, and had planned on using him as a human shield if the situation arose, but ruining my breakfast was a step to far.
We trundled on until we came to Bing World. Everything in Bing World looked fairly normal, so I kept going to see if there were any shops to loot. On the way though town, we passed the park. That little fluffy fucker Bing and that weird Flop thing were there on the swings. Slowly, I walked up behind them and hit them both over the head with a shovel.
“Biggerer isn’t a real fucking word, you little cunt!” I shouted as I caved his head in and put him in the boot of the van to barbeque later.
Barbecued rabbit for dinner: It’s a Bing thing.
That’s the thing with being in a post apocalyptic cbeebies world: You never go hungry. Zombies pretty much leave the animals alone, so with the exception of Ra-Ra the Noisy Bastard Lion and his jungle cronies, who have reverted back to the wild, you have your choice of cbeebies animals to cook and joyously eat.
Mr. Maker was appalled at me for the suggestion that we find Peter Rabbit and his mates to continue the rabbit feast, so while he was having a shit in the bushes, I ditched him and made my way to my next stop: Justin’s house.
Next is chapter two: Robert the Robocop