Talk Dirty To Me: The 10 Most Cringe Worthy Things You Can Say While Phone Fucking

“I’m fudding myself stupid, and I’m bloody loving it.” – Kate Winslet, Extras.

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Hands up how many of you have had phone sex?

It’s okay, you are sat behind a screen, no one will see. And if they do they will either think you are batshit crazy or asking for help, both will be amusing.

I have had the misfortune to have had a partner who loved phone sex, and let me tell you something – I found it excruciatingly embarrassing. I never knew what to say and always ended up feeling like a complete twat. It’s even worse when your significant other/tinder hook up is really into it – you feel like you have to play act and pretend to be getting off on it yourself, all while feeling really awkward and thinking about that cheese and onion pasty you’ve got in the fridge.

The worst thing is having to think up answers on the spot and having to pluck something out of the air and make it all up while trying to sound sexy.

Like when they ask “What are you wearing?” and you are in your pajamas with curry spilled down the front, so you have to lie. Do you say you are naked? Or do you say you are wearing sexy underwear? Christ, what if you have to describe it? Are you allowed to have the internet to hand so you can Google Ann Summers and read out the descriptions?

Phone sex is a minefield.

I know your pain, and I am here to help. I can’t promise that I will give you any tips that would make a sex chat line worker blush, but I can tell you a few things that are probably best NOT to say during phone sex.

So here is my list of the 10 most cringe worthy things to say while phone fucking.

1) “What am I imagining? I am Imagining that hot, Russian Barista from the café coming in and taking his/her clothes off

Unless you have an open relationship, are mutually fantasising about a threesome or you want to ruin the mood and start a massive row, it’s maybe best not to involve others.

 

2) “Ooo, just a thong? Hang on, let me take you off speaker phone.”

Yes, his mates, work colleagues or heaven forbid, his mother were listening. End the call, and the relationship, now.

3) “Just before I forget…..can you get bread on the way round tomorrow?

Bonus ponts if you blurt this out at the point of your parnters climax.

4) “Hang on – the cat’s been sick. No, that’s not a euphemism, I think he’s allergic to Felix

Now he can only picture you on all fours, gagging while you mop up cat vomit. Unless he has some extreme fetishes, it’s best to keep quiet if Mog makes a mess.

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5) Calling them ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’

Again, unless this is prearranged (you freak) or a ‘thing’ then it’s best left from the phone hump. I can’t imagine anything more off putting than hearing “take those suspenders off, Mummy” at the hight of passion.

6) “Huh? What? Sorry, just got an email from work…hang on…just let me reply..Oh yeah, I’m so turned on…almost done…oh, God…just let me press send…

Nothing shows that you are not feeling it more than checking your work emails while pretending to have a wank.

7 ) Saying your ex’s name, or dropping the clanger: “Oh, my ex used to like that too!

Ouch!

8) Repeating the last thing they said because your mind has gone blank under all the pressure to sound seductive.

“what are you wearing?”

“What are you wearing?”

“I asked first”

“…Okay…what are you wearing?”

Which is one step away from:

9) An awkward silence.

“……..”

“……..”

That’s when you know it’s time to give up and talk about Bake Off instead.

And finally,

 

10) “While you are on the phone… I need to tell you something

True story: A friend of mine once told a new boyfriend that she was pregnant right at the end of phone sex. Probably not the best way to tell someone they are going to be a father.

Happy phone humping everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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