You Wanker: 15 Fucking Fantastic Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

From those first days of looking thought the underwear section in the Littlewoods catalogue and leaving sticky socks on the bedroom floor for their mothers to clear away, to watching babe station previews in the middle of the night, to finally having their own Internet and access to all the porn on the world, men these days have unprecedented opportunities to masturbate.

 Throughout history men have had various forms of wank fodder; rude cave paintings (I might have made that up), pornographic mosaics, carvings and illustrations, men have always masturbated to arousing images.

So, what have we called masturbation though the ages? I don’t think man in the world has ever thought to himself “I fancy a spot of masturbation this evening”, so once again, euphemisms and slang have taken over.

 Here are some of my personal favorites from throughout the ages, some fairly self-explanatory and some just bloody confusing.

 Disclaimer: Any historical observations may or may not be true. You’ll never know unless you are a pedant who will trawl the Internet to check up on me.

 

Electing the president

So, this one came about in the USA, in the 1800’s. Or something. Probably around the time of the tall one, with the big hat. Lincoln. Yep, that’s it. It’s homage to Lincoln and being the land of the free and being able to have a wank. Yep. I’m sure that’s it.

Get the German soldier marching

This is actually a bona-fide war one. It was a slang term used in the trenches in the First World War. I often heard my Grandfather and his friends saying it when I was a small child and it was only years later, when I had asked my Nan what they meant that she told me that it was something my Great-Grandfather and his friends used to say to be derogatory to Germans when he made it home from the trenches of France (minus a leg). So, that is the Kibbles family contribution to WW1 history: a wanking term.

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head

I do think that poor Darth Vader has been though a little too much though, what with all the being burned and having to wear a mask (I have never seen Star Wars), to also be a laughing stock for wankers.

Oh – Hans Solo = one handed, Darth Vader’s head = the purple mushroom. Christ, I am slow sometimes.

Hosing down the driveway

Either the driveway is for a hamster cage, or the penis in question is rather large. I just hope that no old ladies are walking by at the time.

Much goo about nothing

Well, I am nothing if not highbrow. A Shakespeare quote, no less. Okay, he didn’t really say that, but I think it could have been quite a good addition to the play? (I’ve never seen or read it).

Paying at the turnpike

Obviously from the days of Dick Turpin and highwaymen. God, I really am great at making up history. I should go into politics.

Putting your best foot forward

This was a real one from the 1920’s. The next time your boss tells you to put your best foot forward, try not to bash one out in his office.

Self abuse

Oh, piss off Victorians.

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Futuristic. Although, why a Cyclops would need to learn the lambada…

That crazy hand jive

Those crazy 1960’s cats! This one is real and once echoed off walls in many an American High School.

Tipping off the inspector

If you visualise it, it kind of makes sense.

Varnish the flagpole

One from the colonial American times. They were fond of their flags and the men outnumbered the women.

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Really? Who had to sully the name of the Smurfs?

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Walk the plank

Pirates. Definitely the Pirates.

Wring out your rope

Sailors. And Pirates. See what too much alcohol on the high seas does to you?

 

So, there we have it. 15 new terms for you to play with. Have fun with these, chaps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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