Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Ealing, there was a Mummy Princess, standing in front of a bathroom mirror, crying.
Why was Mummy Princess crying? She was crying because she had stabbed herself in the eye three times with eyeliner trying to apply make up. Mummy Princess usually spends her days wedged on the sofa, eating crisps and watching Sir Jeremy of Kyle shout at chavs, so she is not used to wearing make up.
But today was different. Mummy Princess needed to look less like a Zombie and more like that other Princess, Kate Middleton, for Mummy Princess had a very important meeting to attend.
Daddy Prince had to take the morning off from work in order to look after Princess Tantrum while Mummy Princess swanned off to have ‘fun’.
Yes, that’s right, that bastard Daddy Prince called Mummy Princesses important work meeting ‘fun’. This fucked off Mummy Princess so much that she gave Princess Tantrum a Yorkie for breakfast so she would act like a shit possessed for Daddy Prince all Morning.
“Fuck you, Daddy Prince” Thought Mummy Princess as she applied the eyeliner very badly, for the final time, not giving a fuck that she looked like a fat Goth after a messy night out.
“Be back in time for me to get off to the Kingdom of London so I can do my proper important work that pays the bills for the Castle” shouted Daddy Prince as Mummy Princess got in her carriage to leave, which the nice people from the Kingdom of Uber had sent for her.
Mummy Princess flipped him the finger behind her bag.
“I fucking hate you, you self-important tosser.” She mumbled.
“What was that?” asked Daddy Prince, a little too aggressively for Mummy Princesses liking.
“I said ‘I love you’” lied Mummy Princess through gritted teeth, “see you soon”.
The journey was very pleasant for Mummy Princess, as she had lots of time to think about all the ways she wanted to kill Daddy Prince and all the super heroes from the Kingdom of Marvel she would shag once he was dead.
After having lots of lovely thoughts about Spiderman and Thor, the Uber carriage arrived at the big, sparkly building.
“Oh, shit a brick, we are here”, thought Mummy Princess as she stumbled out of the car in a most unladylike manner, wishing that she didn’t have a no booze before lunchtime policy, “surely, this would be much easier if I was slightly pissed.”
After getting caught in the revolving door three fucking times, Mummy Princess successfully negotiated her way into the building. She smoothed down her unkempt, frizzy hair which was now ruined as she had spent three seconds outside and checked that her skirt wasn’t tucked into her knickers. As she brushed the last few flakes of a Greggs sausage roll from her bosom, she announced her arrival to the girl on reception, who was young and thin and made fat, old Mummy Princess irrationally angry.
“I bet that slag doesn’t have children, her clothes are too expensive” thought Mummy princess, like the jealous, petty bitch she is.
After waiting ages and forgetting everything she wanted to say, Mummy Princess was called into the meeting by a big, fire-breathing dragon. This fire breathing dragon was a very important person with the ability to make either make Mummy Princess a lot of money, or to ruin Mummy Princess in an instant.
It was very important that Mummy Princess impressed this fire breathing dragon, as Mummy Princesses castle is a bit of a shithole and she would quite like another one which doesn’t have holes in the floor.
Mummy Princess followed the fire breathing dragon into her office, trying not to fall over or do anything else that was stupid.
Unfortunately, Mummy Princess is stupid, and also rather clumsy, and as she sat down, she almost missed the chair and whacked her arse on the arm.
“For sucks sake,” thought Mummy Princess, trying to smile instead of cry, “fucking seriously?”
It turns out the fire breathing dragon had seen Mummy Princess before, at a party. When she told Mummy Princess this, she panicked.
“Oh shit, oh, shit, Oh shit” thought Mummy Princes “how pissed was I and what was I saying? Who did I slag off? Oh God, I will never drink again.”
It turns out it was okay, because the person who Mummy Princess pissed off that night was someone that the fire breathing dragon didn’t like very much. Instead of thinking that Mummy Princess was just a loud drunk (which is true), she thought that Mummy Princess was funny and clever and knew what she was doing (which is not true).
The fire breathing dragon turned out to like Mummy Princess very much and Mummy Princess signed a piece of paper to say that the fire breathing dragon could have 12% of all the money she made.
“You’d better get me a shitload of work” said Mummy Princess, out loud this time, because now she had signed a contract, the fire breathing dragon couldn’t tell her to fuck off.
The fire breathing dragon took Mummy Princess out for a brunch with lots of booze. By the time Mummy Princess got back to her castle, she didn’t care that Daddy Prince was a massive cunt, or that Princess Tantrum had vomited chocolate over the cream carpets. She was just happy that one day she might make enough money to run away from them all.
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