15 Fucking Fantastic Euphemisms for Sex

Did you know that my blog is educational as well as hilarious? No? Well, read on.

Sex, for most people, is a bit of an awkward issue and for hundreds of years (and I bet you, since the dawn of time) we have been coming up with euphemisms to make sex sound less mechanical and more fun. Or you know, to totally avoid saying the word ‘SEX’, which catapults the best and most mature of us back into the days of being sniggering 13 year olds behind the school canteen.

When I was having trouble conceiving, even my retirement age Doctor couldn’t say the word Sex. She preferred to say “you and your husband need to ‘do the deed’ on this day”, or “when you are having intercourse…”

She would get so flustered at having to think up new phrases to substitute for sex that she would get visibly embarrassed, which always tickled me as she was a gynecologist: someone who has literally seen it all.

So, for my Doctor and anyone else who either dislikes the coldness of the word sex, or anyone who just wants to inject a little humor into bedroom activities, here is a list of my favourite euphemisms for sex.

  1. Burping the worm in the mole hole

‘Burping the worm’. Well, I am never going to be able to look at an ejaculating penis in the same way ever again, how about you?

2. Crashing the custard truck

Do you think this is what Mr. Kipling used to say to Mrs. Kipling after a long day of inventing cakes? “Fancy crashing the custard truck tonight, Darling?”

3. Entangling the lower beards

I have a feeling this saying was more popular in the 1970’s.

4. Giving her the beans

I love this purely because I am a fan of the office and it reminds me of the line “blow his beans up your chuff”. Classy and classic, all in one.

5. Grummeting

I just love the sound of this. “Fancy a grummet?” It would be a yes from me, every time.

6. Jerking off with someone to talk to

One for the cynical, right there.

7. Loading the clown into the cannon

How could you ever take the person who said this to you seriously? I would be laughing too much to take off my knickers.

8. Noddy

images-11.jpeg

 

You sick bastards!

9. Playing a game of Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet

This makes me sad. If Mr. Wobbly lives up to his name, he’s not going to have much luck hiding that helmet.

10. Pressure-washing the quiver bone in the bitch wrinkle

The more times I read this, the less sense it makes. I’m getting a “not tonight, darling” headache trying to work it out.

11. Putting the email in the spam folder

One for the geeks.

12. Quimsticking

I bet you a million pounds that this is the grown up Harry Potters come on.

13. Seeing a man about a dog

Wait…what the fuck was my Grandad really doing when he went to the pub?

14. Spray-painting the cervix

Oh. Dear. God.

15. Taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest

Post Dungeons and Dragons shag.

 

Pick one of these at random and try it with your significant other this evening and let me know how you get on. That’s a dare.

 

 

You Baby Me Mummy

 

 

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