Mummy Princess and the Night Out – A Nottaneffingfaitytale Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, in a land far far way known as “West London, Daaarling” there lived a slightly pissed off Mummy Princess with a resting bitch face and a caesarean section overhang.

One evening, after an awful day of being treated like a servant by the heir and the spare, Princess Tantrum and Angry Teen, Mummy Princess thought to her self “Fuck all this, I am going to the pub to get shitfaced.”

Mummy princess liked this idea very much. The thought of a few hours sitting in a beer garden, talking shit and making a twat out of herself in front of random people who she knows from down the shop made Mummy Princess smile.

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Mummy Princess is so excited that she can’t wait of the other Princesses to get to the pub, so she has a celebratory can of larger to toast her excellent plan for the evening. Do you see the big basket full of washing behind Mummy Princess? Mummy Princess looked at that pile of washing and said “Fuck you, washing. Fuck you. I am going to the pub.”

Mummy Princess sometimes ponders the fact that 90% of the clothes she washes day in, day out aren’t her own. They all belong to the shits that she lives with. She makes a mental note to slag them off to her mate Cinderella later, but then smiles at the fact that when Daddy Prince asked her to iron his work shirts when they first moved in together, she said “Fuck off back to the Queens castle or buy your own fucking iron”. Mummy Princess doesn’t even have an ironing board

Screen Shot 2016-08-25 at 18.45.10.pngTalking of Daddy Prince, he’s mega annoyed that Mummy Princess has decided to piss off to the pub on a Thursday evening, when he, IMPORTANT DADDY PRINCE, has been on the other side of the Kingdom of London all day making important decisions and sitting in a big chair being brought coffee by his subjects while lazy Princess Mummy has been living the life of riley, thanklessly cleaning the castle and trying to stop Baby Tantrum Princess from killing herself every five seconds. Well, sod you Daddy Prince. Here are two bastards for you to look after for the evening.

When it is time to leave, Mummy Princess runs out the door as fast as her podgy little legs can carry her. She cuts her way through the unforgiving forest and makes her way to the Magical Booze Tavern, known as ‘The Forester’ (yes, for real!).

Mummy Princess has a jolly old evening drinking all the larger and smoking all the fags and chatting all the shit. Mummy thinks she is charming and regal, but other people disagree and think she is loud and sweary. Mummy Princess gives not a fuck, for she is having fun. Mummy Princess also put make up on for the first time this century because she looked like a Zombie. Mummy Princess did highlighting, lipstick and eyebrow shit. By eleven o’clock, Mummy Princess looked like this:

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But once again, not a single fuck was given as Mummy Princess was so drunk, that every thing in the grotty toilet mirror looked like a blur anyway.

At half past 12, an Evil Witch tells Mummy Princess, who is singing songs, and Cinderella, who is passed out on the table, that as they are the only ones left in the Tavern, she is closing it now. “Off you fuck” she says to the Princesses, and throws them out onto the street. This wasn’t a very nice thing to do, as the two Princesses are fucking bladdered.

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When Mummy Princess staggers though the door, Angry Teen is still awake.

“Did you get me chips” he demands, angrily.

“No” slurs Mummy Princess, “now go to bed sonny, this was all fields when I were a lad” and more random shit like that.

 

By the time Mummy Princess has scoured the castle kitchen for crisps, cheese and any other shit that doesn’t need cooking to stuff her face with, it is 2am and Mummy Princess drags herself up to the bedchamber.

Oh look, there is Daddy Prince, farting away in his sleep, and Baby Tantrum Princess sprawled out all over Mummy Princess side of the bed, along with all the soft toys in the world.Mummy contorts herself into an upside down foetal position and and wedges herself in, safe in the knowledge that Baby Tantrum Princes will kick her awake in four hours

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The next morning, Mummy Pricess didn’t feel well. But no bugger cared. Poor Mummy Princess thought to herself “I am never going to drink all the larger and smoke all the fags again.” But fear not – she will. Oh yes, she will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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34 Comments »

  1. Haha! By far the funniest post I have read all week! This is so funny, and I was hooked by the end of the first line. Naturally, you would come home to have to squeeze upside down into a space on the bed, surrounded by the entire toy cupboard. I feel your pain 🙂 Thank you for linking up to the #DreamTeam, looking forward to your next post xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ‘a resting bitch face and a caesarean section overhang’ This may well be the best line I have ever read on a blog! – Just brilliant form start to finish! I’ve got a crush son Mummy Princess for sure! #StayClassyMama

    Like

  3. This is the most honest and funny ‘mummy’ post I’ve read! I too went out on the weekend, to a massive dance festival in London! I actually listened and danced to decent music instead of the Peppa Pig theme tune. I too drank all the drink and smoked all the fags. I also didn’t get a wink of sleep. The train journey home was interesting, as was dealing with a screaming 2 year old! Worth every second! #twinklytuesday

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I loved the description in the first line about the ‘slightly pissed off Mummy Princess with a resting bitch and c-section overhang’. This made me laugh out loud and I carried on laughing all the way through reading this (and snorted at one point!). I’ve read it twice now and I’m still giggling to myself! #chucklemums

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ah I love this, made me giggle! That blissful couple of hours of being a teal life human with no one making demands! Bliss! Even (almost) worth the hangover! #chucklemums

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  6. This is so funny, because it is true. The amount of mum nights out where I have veritably flipped the parenting table and walked backwards out the house making gang signs. The next day is always so hard! You genius! #DreamTeam Yvadney x

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You, my lovely bloggy friend, are brilliant! Your 11pm make up face made me howl! Please make sure “she does”. We need to read more about her drinking all the larger and smoking all the fags! Thanks for linking with #fartglitter x

    Like

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