Sex dreams. Dream shagging. Whatever you want to call it, a dream where you are bumping uglies with a famous person (or the old man from over the road) can either make you feel on top of the world – until you wake up and see your fat, snoring partner slumped next to you in his Bart Simpson boxers that his mum bought him – or sick to the stomach.
I have sex dreams a lot, but the worrying thing is, most of the men I have had the sex dreams about, I don’t even fancy. There isn’t a hot enough shower in the world to scrub off the icky feeling after dreaming of a night with some of these. I can only imagine that I dream of fucking the unfuckable because my subconscious hates me and wants to punish me. Fuck you, subconscious. Fuck you.
So, in no particular order of grossness are all the famous men I have done the hokey-cokey with while in the land of nod, the good, the bad and the ugly, and their scores out of ten, just for a laugh.
1) Peter Andre
Well, that was a night to remember. I woke in a cold sweat thinking it was real and started rummaging under my bed for the ‘burglar knife’ to stab him with.
Peter Andre was everything I expected him to be: Orange, greasy and a slime ball. At one point in my dream, his cock turned into a Satsuma and I laughed at it, something that he didn’t take too well.
He started crying and warbling songs from Les Mis in the voice of Rolf Harris. Unfortunately, I don’t know any songs from Les Mis, so it was the lyrics to Humpty Dumpty to the Tune of One Day More.
Peter gets an 8/10, purely for the comedy value of fucking a Satsuma.
2) Peter Stringfellow
Had a dream about shagging Peter Stringfellow after having a lengthy conversation about him with a friend just before bed. I know, I know. What a mistake.
So, there I was straddling him and all of a sudden he turned into a Night of The Living Dead style Zombie and his penis fell off. Then all of a sudden we were on come Dine With Me and I was serving dinner (Lamb chops and chips) off the top of his coffin.
Mr. Stringfellow gets 1/10, purely because his cock fell off. Bad form Stringfellow, bad form.
3) Frankie Boyle
Mid fuck, Frankie Boyle started a stand up routine. Literally mid fuck. We were transported to the stage of the Hammersmith Apollo and I was suddenly naked and shagging Frankie fucking Boyle in front of a thousand people.
You know when you realise you are dreaming and you manage to turn things around? I did and I gave the best Stand Up comedy performance of my life at the Apollo that night with Frankie disappearing into a puff of smoke.
Frankie gets 9/10, but only because I managed to fuck him off and have an awesome dream.
4) Eamon Holmes
Now, Eamon was a sweetheart. I had a very long dream before we did the deed where he took me to L.A and introduced me to Jack Nicholson and bought me dinner. It was one of those dreams where you wake up really happy and feeling all gooey inside.
I will admit to having a crush on Eamon for a few weeks afterwards and getting a little hot under the collar watching This Morning.
I’ve come to my senses now.
Eamon gets a 10/10 as he’s the only dream shag bastard to have ever bought me dinner.
5) David Tennant
This was a GOOD dream. Oh, he was the Doctor. He took me for a ride in the Tardis and said I was a better laugh than Rose. He slagged off Billie Piper a fair bit actually. He let me use his sonic screwdriver to kill a Dalek and then we had sex on the moon.
David also gets a 10/10 just because I fancy him in real life, so it was win-win for me.
Right, Prince. Someone who I had never even thought about until the day he died, and then I go and have a sex dream about him THAT NIGHT. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I woke up thinking I must have issues.
Anyway, I knew nothing about the guy so it was pretty uneventful, apart from waking up feeling like I’d pissed on someone’s grave.
I don’t know if I should give a 1/10 or a 10/10 as a sorry and a mark of respect?
7) Boyzone. All of
Only I the member of the band I know is Ronan Keating, so the others where just all non descript blobs with cocks. Ronan kept singing at me and it was putting me off. Then they all did one of those stripper dances where they helicopter their cocks. That’s all I can remember.
Boyzone get a 2/10. For a six-some, it was rather underwhelming.
8) Brandon Flower from the Killers
WOW. This was another highlight of my sleep life. We shagged on his tour bus and he sang me ‘Mr Brightside’ and then we had a McDonald’s breakfast before our Vegas wedding.
WHY DID I HAVE TO WAKE UP?
Brandon gets a 10/10, obvs.
And last, but not least,
9) Freddie Kruger
Yep, Freddie Kruger of Nightmare on Elm Street fame. You know sometimes when a bloke has long fingernails and it’s like “Ouch, get off!” Freddie didn’t take his razor gloves off.
He thought he was being all sexy by cutting off my bra, but I reminded him that I only have two that fit me post pregnancy, so that really pissed me off.
Plus his face kept oozing puss.
Freddie, it’s a 1/10, pizza face.
So there you go, I hope I haven’t put you off your dinner.
In actual fact, it’s a shame none of these are real as I’d make a killing from kiss and tells in The Sun.
Sweet fuck dreams, all!