The (embarrassingly) long list of men I would leave my husband for.

Everyone has this list, right? Granted, it’s probably not as random as mine, but we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t hanker after something or someone else at the end of the day – especially after a day of arguing over who loaded the dishwasher wrong or who put the dent in the car.

Real life can be boring and mundane, so why not spice things up by thinking about all the people you would actually leave your significant other for?

It’s not all about looks and it’s not all about fame. But let’s be honest here – you don’t know how hot my builder is and I would look deranged if I knocked on his door just to take a photo to show you all I might knock on his door and take a picture for you all. So I have complied a list of celebrities who if they gave me the nod, I would be out of the door like a shot without a backwards glance for.

This list is not all about looks either. There are some right mingers (in my opinion) on this list BUT a potential husband also needs to be funny and/or useful, right? After much deliberation, I have narrowed it down to ten. Two of them are dead, but we’ll gloss over that for now.

1) Tom Cruise because can you imagine how good he would be at getting rid of Jehovah’s witnesses?
JW: “Good morning”
Me: “Hang on, let me get my husband – Tom! Toooooooom! Stop jumping on the sofa and come here a sec”
Tom: “Hiiiiiii! Have you heard about the Church of Scientology?’’
They would NEVER come knocking again.

2) Orlando bloom in light of the recent cock shots. Not because of his cock, I just think it would be hilarious to have a boyfriend who got his cock out on the beach. (Katy Perry obviously doesn’t share my sense of humor).

3) Ricky Gervaise. Balls out the bath now, I will admit to fancying him. Plus he’s funny. Plus he’s loaded. And he likes cats. And he could pretend to be David Brent in bed.

4) David Beckham – Ok so this one is ALL about looks, dear god, have you heard the bloke speak? There is the potential for a really dirty joke here. Oh fuck it, I’ll write it – I’d sit on his face so I couldn’t hear him talk.

5) That one from that thing, you know, the comedy with Miranda in it. Miranda. The bloke who works in the bar. He seems nice, only I don’t think he is in real life. I think he might be the one who was married to Mel from Eastenders and then ran off and left her and won’t pay child maintenance.

6) All of McFly. Especially the one I think is called Danny. THIS IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS. And while I’m at it, all of Busted Especially Matt. Woof Woof.

7) Finn from Hollyoaks and Holby City. Not only is he fit, but also in real life, he’s a stand up comic. I could tie him up in the basement and make him write for me. Sorry, I mean, he could make me laugh (Edit to add I’ve just watched his stand up routine. Oh dear. He would not make me laugh. But he could pay me to write him sets, so win win).

8) Kurt Cobain. If he was more, you know, alive.

9) Ditto Heath Ledger.

10) Robbie Williams. I know he’s gone all grey now and is a bit of an old wanker, but I have had a thing for Robbie since I was 13. I once met him in a celeb hang out and he asked me if I knew where he could get some coke. I thought he meant the drink so I said I would by him one at the bar. He gave me a funny look and ignored me for the rest of the evening. It was only when I got home I realised my mistake. We could’ve been married by now if I hadn’t have been such a naive fool.

Cuddle Fairy
Rhyming with Wine
The Diary of an 'Ordinary' Mum

38 Comments »

  1. Yep, I am pretty much with you on all of these except maybe Ricky Gervais….! I get it though that a funny man can often get on The List despite his looks. Shame about Robbie, that could have been the start of a beautiful friendship! Off to reassess my list now. #BigPinkLink

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  2. I was not happy with your David Beckham choice because I think he looks like a pug, wrinkled and trying to hard. But I do like the idea of sitting on his face to shut him up so Bravo! I’m down with Heath and Orlando my home boys. Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

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  3. Great post, there are plenty of famous men I would leave my hubby for, and remind him of this every time one of them arriving tv, ooohhh I’m so mean #fartglitter

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  4. Yep yep – all totally justified in my opinion. Ooh and check you out being all celebrity knowing / not-coke sourcing and stuff! Very impressed, and just think of the benefits to Mr Williams’ health if he had indeed joined you for some fizzy pop instead? He probably kicks himself for misunderstanding you to this very day and still wonders what could have been…. 😉 #bigpinklink x

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  5. Lol. I love the Tom Cruise idea. Maybe I should just ask people that when they come to the door anyway? And Orlando Bloom, yes! Have to say I def don’t get the Ricky Gervais one though! And I was giggling at the builder bit too. I’ve also got a hot builder. Ssh, don’t tell anyone. #bigpinklink

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  6. Lol hilarious as always! I’d agree with some of those…def not the Ricky Gervais one I’m afraid and I’ve never really gotten the Robbie appeal…..x #bigpinklink

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  7. Hahahaha! Love this! Especially that you offered to buy Robbie a coke at the bar! I would add Johnny Depp to this list and James Martin (because he can cook!) I am thinking I need to do this list with some of my mummy friends, I bet we’d come out with some right weird ones! Thanks for sharing! #bloggerclubuk

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  8. I deffo fancied Charlie from Busted more than Matt. I’m cool enough to say I have seen them live and caught their drumstick thrown into the crowd *ahem*! I wouldn’t kick any of the above out of bed, and I think my list is considerably longer but it’s a good place to start! Good job!

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