A Week of Parenting Fails in Pictures, PART 3

Here we are again in the wonderful world of parental fails. Let me be Willy Wonka and show you around my factory of cock ups and regale you with tales of wonder from the past week of my glamorous life.

No chewing, no running and no kicking the Umpa Lumpas in the nuts.

Monday started out in an extraordinary fashion when I was puked on at 5am by the toddler. There was no warning, I was merrily in the land of nod when all of a sudden I was awoken with a gush of rancid, warm vomit all over my face.Yes, that’s right. My. Face.

“What fresh hell is this?” I asked myself as I scooped up the screaming, puke covered urchin and decamped to the bathroom. Have you ever tried to have a shower with a screaming toddler who hates having a wash at the best of times, while simultaniously trying to get you both undressed without flinging chunks of sick onto the ceiling? Hint: it’s a really fucking terrible way to start the day.

Come midday she was absolutely fine and completely unscathed by the horrors of the morning. I, however, was feeling a bit shaky and ill myself. No wonder really, as there can be no better way to catch a bug than to have it dispensed directly into your mouth.

Ever felt so shit that you really don’t care what the child does as long as it does it quietly and without falling out a window?

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She’s been hankering after ripping up a loo roll since she could crawl. So I lay on the landing and let her. I think she planned spewing on my face and giving me rabies or whatever disaster this is, just so she could get away with murder.

Tuesday was the day that I decided I am not a wholesome enough parent. I don’t do crafts or baking and I would rather gouge out my own eyes with Justin Bieber’s cock than do any activity involving glitter. I am more of a ‘here’s the iPad’ kind of parent. I spend far too much time on Instagram following all the trendy Instamums and Instadads and they all seem to be into sensory play (aka let your toddler make a shit load of mess for ten seconds until they get bored, take ten thousand photos and then upload the only one of them smiling and not looking like they are going to kill someone on Instagram), so I thought I would give it a try.

I couldn’t be arsed to go and buy anything messy, so she got a box of Asda own brand cornflakes to be all sensory and shit with. For all of ten seconds. I am still finding crushed cornflakes in the sofa now.

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I call this piece ‘Being All Sensory and Shit’

Wednesday, and I was all like “no, this will not beat me! We are going to do outdoor things”.

So we trotted off to our local Poundworld, got accosted by the three pissed up tramps who live outside Greggs on the way (I always buy them a pack of sausage rolls so they don’t throw Strongbow cans full of piss at me) and bought some jumbo chalks, because someone on Instagram let their kid draw on the patio and it looked cool.

To cut a long and boring story short, it all ended in an epic tantrum as the toddler would not believe me that the chalk sticks were inedible. But I did get this beauty for Instagram and 43 people liked it, so all in all, a good day.

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I am hoping it rains soon because the patio looks like shit and I may have written a few rude words.

On Thursday I popped out the house for a hour and the toddler was introduced to Frozen by her apparently brain dead father.

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I don’t know what the fuck he’s on, but “developed to a point where she’s more contextually aware”? No, love. You great lump of moron. She just likes glittery shit. Oh and I got a toddler manicure:

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It’s on my face too. Still.

Friday oh, Friday. Which actually means jack shit when you are a parent who works from home, it’s just another day with another day the next day where you have to do ‘family’ shit incase anyone is watching.

The toddler had a terrible morning because she asked for the paint roller and I had the audacity to give it to her. I mean, can you imagine someone being so unreasonable that they give you what you ask for?

Anyway, so understandably, after I was such a massive arsehole by GIVING HER WHAT SHE WANTED she lay on the floor and screamed, you know, just to show me. “This will teach her to do as I ask” she thought, triumphantly, while banging her head against the front door.

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Yes love, that will teach me.

Saturday I went OUT. And I tried to take a selfie. I should have realised that I didn’t do it properly when I couldn’t see myself.

Oh dear oh dear.

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In other news, the toddler has gone all Kanye. She’s going to have it out with Taylor Swift and have a go at Apple for something. Or she’s probably going to have a crap and then go to bed.

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42 Comments »

  1. My top tip is NEVER throw the puked on bedding into the washing machine for a boil wash….until you’ve shaken it into the bath. I spent days finding washed pieces of vomity food on the utility room floor last time I did this. Ditto accidentally washing a shitty nappy. Washed poo?? Oh yes, I am a domestic goddess, we even wash our poos around here. Love the pic of your sensory (and shit) play 🙂 #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sick in your mouth is nasty I am literally a bit retchy reading it..I have hadsimilar..I just climbed into the shower with kid..with cothes on, both crying and then put soggy sicky clothes in the bin..I love your description of life..haha amused by the Frozen description by your OH…anything is better than Peppa pig though. #stayclassymama xx

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  3. I to have had puke directly spewed into my mouth and eyes. I needed a shower like Meryl Streep had in Silkwood, but of course, took care to the Little first. In an effort to rid myself of the impending ebola like illness, I drank, straight from the bottle, a few tasty swigs of Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar. Aside from disgust and some mild hypochondriachal symptoms, I survived. Little was t=fine the moment she let loose. Oh the things we do! Great post. Thansk for reminding us how human we all are, and how really similar we all are. If only the rest of the unrest in the world could be a mom at home for a few days…things just might change.
    #fartglitter #bigpinklink

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  4. This is one the funniest posts I’ve read in a while!! Your honest as hell approach is deadly & this made me laugh, ‘I don’t do crafts or baking and I would rather gouge out my own eyes with Justin Bieber’s cock than do any activity involving glitter. I am more of a ‘here’s the iPad’ kind of parent’. Haha. Somehow I missed part 1 & 2 but I sure as hell am going to find them now!! Great stuff. #fartglitter

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  5. This is so witty and funny. Totally relate to the iPad mum moments, it’s saved my bacon many a times. Love the cornflake sensory…I guess it’s like when you have rice for tea and you find grains three weeks later even though you ‘deep cleaned’. Thanks for the giggles and the honesty! #fartglitter

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  6. Puke at 5am? OMG, it’s horrific enough just imagining the whole scenario without gagging or holding my breath. I would have so let my child do anything else for that day, just so I could keep my sanity for a bit. Loo paper is not that bad but I totally agree with you about glitter. I HATE GLITTER! They get into everywhere and everything. Your post made me laugh so hard, thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

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  7. My daughter is 14 months old and loves Frozen – and SHE’S NEVER SEEN IT. She’s seen the music video for Let it Go, but that’s it – yet she brings me the Blu-Ray of the film every day and stares at it in wonder.

    You have to love the you-gave-me-the-thing-I-wanted tantrum. I’m new to those and still trying to work out what’s an appropriate response. Thankfully I haven’t gotten puke in the face – yet. #dreamteam

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  8. Laughing along to this!! What a week. My little girl puked and I instinctively put my hand out to catch it – not sure why I did that!? Off to read more of your blog now! X #twinklytuesdays

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  9. Holy moly, that is the mother of all bad wake ups. I’ve frequently allowed the Toddler to do things he’s not allowed just so long as he’s quiet. My technique is to pretend I haven’t noticed. No darling, I have no idea you and the Dog are under the table eating your way through a box of tissues. I also gave the sensory nonsense a whirl a year ago. Oddly enough I haven’t revisited that one….and even my lad loves fecking Frozen.

    #fartglitter

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  10. This is great! I was never one to get all crafty with arts and crafts and shit like that. I tried with my oldest but it didn’t stick. My kids are older now. A teenager and a 4th grader. They make slightly different messes but still the same. My youngest just trashed my house with Styrofoam the other day. The teenager just keeps forgetting to bring his dirty dishes to the kitchen and has clothes all over his room, LOL! Wine is always good for us non-perfect parents! Love your blog and your blog title! Popping over from #bigpinklink

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  11. How have I not discovered you before now??? Apart from Monday making me want to be sick myself (I can’t handle chunks- ever!) This is ace.
    Totally with you on the sensory nonsense. In case kids don’t already trash your house enough, here’s a cornflour/water/glitter substance for them to decorate the ceilings?!?.
    Lovely mani btw, I refuse to let my critter loose on me with real nail varnish after the first attempt, now it’s washable kids stuff every time 🙂
    #fartglitter

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