Here we are again in the wonderful world of parental fails. Let me be Willy Wonka and show you around my factory of cock ups and regale you with tales of wonder from the past week of my glamorous life.
No chewing, no running and no kicking the Umpa Lumpas in the nuts.
Monday started out in an extraordinary fashion when I was puked on at 5am by the toddler. There was no warning, I was merrily in the land of nod when all of a sudden I was awoken with a gush of rancid, warm vomit all over my face.Yes, that’s right. My. Face.
“What fresh hell is this?” I asked myself as I scooped up the screaming, puke covered urchin and decamped to the bathroom. Have you ever tried to have a shower with a screaming toddler who hates having a wash at the best of times, while simultaniously trying to get you both undressed without flinging chunks of sick onto the ceiling? Hint: it’s a really fucking terrible way to start the day.
Come midday she was absolutely fine and completely unscathed by the horrors of the morning. I, however, was feeling a bit shaky and ill myself. No wonder really, as there can be no better way to catch a bug than to have it dispensed directly into your mouth.
Ever felt so shit that you really don’t care what the child does as long as it does it quietly and without falling out a window?
She’s been hankering after ripping up a loo roll since she could crawl. So I lay on the landing and let her. I think she planned spewing on my face and giving me rabies or whatever disaster this is, just so she could get away with murder.
Tuesday was the day that I decided I am not a wholesome enough parent. I don’t do crafts or baking and I would rather gouge out my own eyes with Justin Bieber’s cock than do any activity involving glitter. I am more of a ‘here’s the iPad’ kind of parent. I spend far too much time on Instagram following all the trendy Instamums and Instadads and they all seem to be into sensory play (aka let your toddler make a shit load of mess for ten seconds until they get bored, take ten thousand photos and then upload the only one of them smiling and not looking like they are going to kill someone on Instagram), so I thought I would give it a try.
I couldn’t be arsed to go and buy anything messy, so she got a box of Asda own brand cornflakes to be all sensory and shit with. For all of ten seconds. I am still finding crushed cornflakes in the sofa now.
I call this piece ‘Being All Sensory and Shit’
Wednesday, and I was all like “no, this will not beat me! We are going to do outdoor things”.
So we trotted off to our local Poundworld, got accosted by the three pissed up tramps who live outside Greggs on the way (I always buy them a pack of sausage rolls so they don’t throw Strongbow cans full of piss at me) and bought some jumbo chalks, because someone on Instagram let their kid draw on the patio and it looked cool.
To cut a long and boring story short, it all ended in an epic tantrum as the toddler would not believe me that the chalk sticks were inedible. But I did get this beauty for Instagram and 43 people liked it, so all in all, a good day.
I am hoping it rains soon because the patio looks like shit and I may have written a few rude words.
On Thursday I popped out the house for a hour and the toddler was introduced to Frozen by her apparently brain dead father.
I don’t know what the fuck he’s on, but “developed to a point where she’s more contextually aware”? No, love. You great lump of moron. She just likes glittery shit. Oh and I got a toddler manicure:
It’s on my face too. Still.
Friday oh, Friday. Which actually means jack shit when you are a parent who works from home, it’s just another day with another day the next day where you have to do ‘family’ shit incase anyone is watching.
The toddler had a terrible morning because she asked for the paint roller and I had the audacity to give it to her. I mean, can you imagine someone being so unreasonable that they give you what you ask for?
Anyway, so understandably, after I was such a massive arsehole by GIVING HER WHAT SHE WANTED she lay on the floor and screamed, you know, just to show me. “This will teach her to do as I ask” she thought, triumphantly, while banging her head against the front door.
Yes love, that will teach me.
Saturday I went OUT. And I tried to take a selfie. I should have realised that I didn’t do it properly when I couldn’t see myself.
Oh dear oh dear.
In other news, the toddler has gone all Kanye. She’s going to have it out with Taylor Swift and have a go at Apple for something. Or she’s probably going to have a crap and then go to bed.