I really, really  want to be an Instamum. Do you remember the cool girls at school who went to gigs, had all the latest CDs, did really well in their exams and had fun parents who let them have parties? Well,  I always wondered what would become of those girls, and now I know. They grew up to become Instamums with their own YouTube channels.

Instamums are always impeccably turned out in their photos wearing clothes that I could never afford. How do they do it? It’s an absolute mystery to me. Do they all have high flying careers enabling them to afford to buy designer clothes for themselves an their children? But if they are working full time, how on earth do they get the time to pose in front of various walls (there seems to be an obsession on Instagram with posting in front of brick walls) looking amazing?

The social gatherings they all get to go to make me weep as well. You see the photos of them all at an opening event for a brand and they all look so pretty and happy and their children aren’t breaking things in the background. I can’t even take my toddler to Pizza Hut for fear of a meltdown before we’ve even reached the salad bar. If I took her to an event at a swanky new children’s wear boutique, it would end in tears within a matter of minutes.

Oh and Instamums get free stuff! I want free stuff! Send me anything and I will write about how fantastic it is and take a thousand photos of it against my front wall.

I originally opened an Instagram account as I love to take photos and Instagram is a very easy way of manipulating and editing them. For about two years I had no followers, nor did I follow anyone; my feed was just my own photos that I had played around with while bored. I didn’t look at my account for months on end, can you imagine! These days I am developing an RSI from pulling down to refresh. I have followers now, 80 actually. Most of them are people who try to flog me detox body wraps or health juices, but once cannot choose ones fans.

This isn’t a bitchy piece at all. In fact, I am in awe of them and I want to be like them. Only a) I am not cool enough, b) the most expensive item of clothing I own is a coat from George at Asda and c) my child’s bedroom isn’t monochrome.

Anyway, so I tried to take a selfie for my account to see if I could compete. I was going for ‘enigmatic, chilled Instamum wearing lipstick’. What I actually got was ‘twat in a bathroom wearing sunglasses looking fucking miserable’. There is clearly no hope for me.

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